How to keep hating your body

Between the recent Fat Talk Free Week, Love Your Body Day, and various body-loving tele-summits going on, I’m guessing by now we’re all just about sick of trying to love our bodies. I mean, loving ourselves totally and accepting ourselves AS IS? C’mon now. That’s just ridiculous! It’s much more fun to spend our days hating our bodies and wallowing in our self-pity, right? I thought you would agree. So screw all those body image warriors with their positive affirmations, gratitude journals, and mirror exercises. Let’s talk about how you can keep on hating your body!

Image :: Natalie Dee Comics

1. Weigh yourself every day. Keep a scale by your bedside and be sure to diligently monitor the magic number. Ignore all those haters who tell you that your body weight can fluctuate five pounds or more per day. Riiiiight… Oh, and make sure that if the number goes up, you tell yourself it must be what you ate for dinner last night and swear that food off forever.

2. Read lots of fashion magazines. Vogue and ELLE should be your Bible. Where else can you find 100%-real images of perfection for inspiration? And those silly people who talk about how “all these photos are airbrushed!”? C’mon. How can someone with flawless skin, sparkling white teeth, and imperceptible hips need airbrushing?

3. Focus on the past and future. Spend your free moments wrapped up in what you ate two days ago and what you’ll eat next week when your friends come for game night. Be sure to avoid the present moment and what your current thoughts and feelings are. Who wants to really consider what might be going on inside you? That’s just rubbish anyway. All that’s important is what you have no control over – the past and future.

4. Teach others to treat you poorly. When your boyfriend makes comments about your curvaceous bum and suggests a spinning class, tell him you think it’s a fabulous idea. No need for him to join you, since his six-pack abs are per-fect. Make sure to ditch those pesky boundaries and keep quiet when your mom comments on your lunch. No one likes a whiner who stands up for him- or herself.

5. Eat in front of the television. Screw mindfulness. That’ll just make you more aware of your hunger and fullness signals. Instead, set up a t.v. tray with your favorite chow and turn on the tube. There’s nothing like getting lost in a fantasy world, only to realize you have no idea what you just ate or what that experience was like later.

6. Support companies that support supermodels. Buy as many products and services as you can from companies that have the largest, glossiest, sexiest ads. They clearly care a great deal about the welfare of unemployed models. Why else would they choose ones that look so malnourished? And never air your concerns to a company who runs an offensive ad. The won’t listen anyway.

7. Avoid any activity that might show your body in a “bad” light. That means stay far away from exercise, people! Do you really want the rest of the yoga class to see your imperfect belly? And come to think of it, don’t run, jump, skip, play, dance, rock climb, do cartwheels, or really leave your house. You don’t want the neighbors to see you, now do you?

8. Make other people feel as low as you do. Tell your best friend you think he must have lost weight because he looks much better these days. Or remind your sister just how many calories are in that chocolate eclaire in which she’s about to partake. Shouldn’t she know exactly what she’s putting in her mouth? A moment on the lips… I mean, if you hate your body, shouldn’t everyone else get to as well?

9. Wear clothes that other people like. Don’t worry about what makes you feel comfortable. Fashion is not about comfort, people. Pain is gain. And if you can’t fit into an outfit you used to love anymore, make sure to keep it hanging prominently in your closet where it can taunt, I mean encourage, you daily.

10. Spend lots of time comparing yourself to others. Read blogs and obsess over the fact that the author ran  two minutes faster per mile than you did and all she ate was a rice cake and herbal tea. Make sure to dwell on who reached their goal weight and who looks fab in their bikini pictures from the Bahamas. Instead of going out with friends, stay home and make sure to read every facebook and twitter update. The social network is the only network.

If we all stay committed and band together, I’m positive we can create a body-hating movement here to rival all the body image warriors of the world. What are your best tips for how to keep hating your body?

** Please, please, please read this post in the extraordinarily sarcastic and satirical way in which it was intended.