When your partner hates his or her body
{Image Credit :: Gabi + Jeremy Photography}
You walk into the darkened bedroom and quietly slip under the cool sheets to lie next to her. You figure that The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo can be finished tomorrow, so you gently reach across her to put the book on the nightstand and wrap your arm around her quiet body. Her arms feel smooth and she smells, well, a lot better than you do. You reach your hand down to feel the softness of her belly, feeling excited and blessed to be touching this woman – your partner.
And then she jerkily shifts her body, removing your hand and placing it firmly and unquestionably back on your own. The look that traverses the space between you is a mixture of annoyance and anger.
For a moment, your heart aches, feeling rejected, hurt, confused. But the feeling fades quickly – you’re used to this. You say nothing, retreat to your own valley of the bed and gently flip the switch to total darkness.
Assuming you haven’t forgotten her parents’ anniversary or erased last week’s Modern Family from the DVR, your partner’s reaction could have very little to do with you. Her uneasiness, her swift retraction from your touch, her anger… they could all be a heart-wrenching result of years of negative body image.
[They could also be signs of previous sexual abuse or other trauma.]
When an individual hates his or her own body, the partner suffers as well. This suffering isn’t relegated to bedroom hanky-panky (that’s what we call a euphemism) but also flows into one’s day to day experience – the fabric of the relationship.
When we believe that our bodies are unattractive, we begin to feel that they are unworthy of attention, of care, of appreciation – ours or our partners. We treat ourselves as deserving contempt and any action that suggests otherwise can feel untrue and uncomfortable. It can even elicit feelings of rage, underneath which is unspoken pain.
How dare you touch this ugly body? You can’t honestly be attracted to me.
What are you after? How can I trust someone who obviously doesn’t even see how I really look and am?
Don’t come close to me. I might become aware of my body and that’s terrifying.
Even when an individual with profoundly negative body image does allow himself to get close to his partner, he may not allow himself to truly experience the release and safety of true intimacy. As humans, we are extraordinarily capable of detaching from our own experience. We eat. We work long hours. We exercise too much. And we might let others get physically close, but only with the barrier of mental distance between us. Most of us can have sex without feeling.
So where does that leave our partners? The ones who think we’re beautiful – truly and without reservation.
If you are the partner, you need to know that body image issues are not about you. They are about a million things – culture, biology, abuse, control, perfectionism, and more – but not about you. You can help the person you love by:
- Show love and care in non-physical and non-sexual ways.
- Help your partner find help if he or she needs it.
- Quit ogling supermodels and NFL quarterbacks.
- Being honest about how you’re feeling.
- Get support for yourself.
Have you ever found body image to be a barrier in a relationship?
11 Comments
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[...] movie, we might need to shift the delicate balance of approval from others to self. But wanting to look hot for your dude(tte) or get props for your amazing presentation at work is totally okay. And since I said so, you’re [...]
KCLAnderson (Karen)
442 days ago
Thank you for this post Ashley. I am so very lucky that my husband has loved me NO MATTER WHAT and that he’s had the patience to understand why I was sometimes afraid to have him look at or touch me. I know that as my body image and self-esteem has improved I have become a better partner in all respects…and I now understand that this is what my husband deserves :-)
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..Are Your Head And Body In The Same Place
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self
442 days ago
While I have found body image to be a barrier in my relationship, I have also found it to be a catalyst for increased closeness and intimacy. While my own self-consciousness used to lead me to push my husband away, I have sinced learned that his closeness – both physical and otherwise – can be an avenue for healing. By opening up to him and allowing him to provide support and encouragement, I have improved my relationship – both with my body and with my husband.
Alex @ Healing Beauty
442 days ago
Body image was definitely one thing that came between myself and my last boyfriend. I was also struggling with an eating disorder at the time which magnified the body image problems and it is only now, in recovery, that I can see how difficult it must have been for him to try and convince me I was beautiful. However, it took its toll on the relationship and eventually he stopped trying to convince me. I think the saying that someone can’t love you until you love yourself was really true for me. I need to learn that true love comes from the inside and that it is not someone else’s job to make you love yourself. They can definitely be a supporter in the journey, but ultimately the choice to love yourself and body and has to come from within.
Alex @ Healing Beauty recently posted..Recovery and Bathing Suit Season
marzipan
442 days ago
Oh man, Ashley, you hit the nail on the head with this one. Body image has always been a HUGE issue in my relationships, because my ability to relate to others is so unbelievably connected with how I’m feeling about my body on any given day. And, well, how I feel about my body can be absolutely anywhere on the map… It feels amazing to have found someone who loves me no matter what I look like or how demonic I get when I’m feeling badly – it makes me want to work harder to love myself all of the time, because I know how pained and confused she feels when I reject her. Thank you for this post, it is very important.
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Kat
442 days ago
I read this early this morning right after it was treated, but wanted to think about it before responding…
I honestly think this is one of the reasons I steer away or try to avoid relationships. I’m not a touchy feely person in the least (due to a variety of reasons) and I don’t want to deprive someone of that. I’ve convinced myself through the years that it isn’t the right relationship for me if I can’t trust them enough to touch me and if they’re okay with that that they’re worth more than someone who can’t handle it.
I think this post is an extremely important one that provides insight and also requests it in a way. I felt the need to further look at my relationships (past) before responding.
Kat recently posted..saying- I have an eating disorder
Margarita @ Weightless
442 days ago
Ashley, this is such a great post. Thank you! I’m also lucky to have a bf who loves me no matter what I look like. He actually worries if I look smaller. He’s always very complementary and positive about my appearance (I could be in sweats with dirty hair and having a very bad skin day!). I love Katie’s point about a negative body image bringing a relationship closer. When I share my struggles with my bf, I definitely feel like we’re sharing an intimate and vulnerable moment. So I think if you’re the person struggling, it can be so liberating and helpful to talk to your partner – we all have different self-doubts and insecurities and this can be an opportunity to get closer and share with each other your thoughts and feelings.
Margarita @ Weightless recently posted..My Beef With Health Magazines
JessieK
442 days ago
I don’t particularly love the way my body looks, but I have no problem walking around naked in my house. I do however have issues with my significant other. I practically have to beg him to take his shirt off when we’re intimate. I believe his insecurities stem from severe depression. He doesn’t have an eating disorder (with the exception that he’s addicted to sugar.. I swear he’s like a 5-year-old, but worse—but that’s one of the quirks I love about him). We’ve been together for 4 years and it is an honest struggle. We all have imperfections but if you truly love a person you don’t see those imperfections and you’re willing to have as much patience as possible. My struggle is that I doubt myself and question whether or not I could be doing different things that would boost my boyfriend’s confidence. Truth is, I know that I can’t. The way I overcome it… I constantly ask him if I look pretty and if I’m the best girlfriend ever. I force him to compliment me, otherwise he won’t do it. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t. He shows his love for me in so many other ways, one of them being that he communicates beautifully when it comes to our relationship and his highs and lows. It is a challenge, but I’ve always enjoyed a great challenge.
charlotte
442 days ago
Such an important post! My husband and I have had many conversations on this topic and I know that my negative self image has hurt him in the past. Whenever I say something critical about myself he always responds, “Hey, nobody talks about my beautiful wife that way!” it’s corny but it makes me smile. Something else he said has really stuck with me too – that we need to give men way more credit. They’re not as shallow as the media makes them out to be and they don’t expect us to be supermodels or porn stars. They’re genuinely attracted to the real us. If that makes any sense…
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Leslie
441 days ago
Amen, sister! I am another woman with a husband who has been way more accepting of my body than I have been. Love the post!
Leslie recently posted..Is This a Weight Loss Blog- Some Thoughts on My Half-Blogiversary Part 1
Elis
143 days ago
I have negative body image that comes and goes… but honestly, my husband has told me he is not attracted to me at all times, especially when I gain weight (he doesn’t want to be a liar… he is often a little too honest). It makes me afraid to get pregnant, because I am afraid he will wholesale reject me.
Trouble
129 days ago
Been looking online for some incite on this topic. I thought I would share a Mans perspective for what its worth.
I have been with my girl for 7 years and we are actually engaged. We are going through some tough transitional years on many levels (professions, finances, etc.). I love her deeply and she is my best friend, but at the same time have slowly over the past few years drifted emotionally and I have been really trying to figure out whats at the root of that.
She has phases of negative body image, but never really has been confident either. Too make maters worse we have had other issues with sex being painful for her due to an autoimmune disease (well maybe, that’s the best diagnosis we have got) Early on this was not as much of an issue, but over the years this combination has gotten much worse. I have come to recognize this has become a big issue on us maintaining a more intimate connection. I know she feels horrible about it.
It gets really really hard to be the positive voice after years. It really becomes a wall. I am resentful and it just is not an attractive energy to be honest. The fact that I don’t want to play that role all the time, makes me feel guilty. But the reality is it is breaking my heart.
I have now become more distant on a romantic levels, to where she has noticed. I feel like telling her the truth would just further damage her self esteem. That’s why I have rarely confronted her about how its effecting me.
Trying to confront these issues head on before getting married is a bitch. Again she is my best friend and the thought of her not in my life is devastating. At the same time I don’t know what to do. I’ve noticed that I find women who are confident very attractive, I never really picked up on that. Which again, makes me feel like a dick.
I want to fix it, but I cant. My love will never win out to her negative feeling i am afraid. Which will leave me in a void of emptiness.
I’ve never felt so lost and divided. Just so you know girls, this is a real issue for some guys.