Reader Question: Is my relationship affected by my eating disorder past?

Dear NTS:

I was very overweight as a child, and in high school I developed an eating disorder. I also used to self-injure.  Fortunately I’m healthy now.

I’m about three months into a relationship, or the start of a relationship with a very nice guy, and I’d like some insight into how my issues and past issues may come up in the relationship, and how I might best address things to avoid problems. I think, for instance, that although I do not engage in disordered eating or self-injury now, a) some of the causes of these separate issues are similar or overlap and b) some of those causes might still come up in my life and possibly affect my relationship (all relationships, potentially) in a negative way.  An example: I have more anxiety than the average person, I often take responsibility or blame for situations that aren’t in fact my fault, and I like what is probably a higher level of order/control over things than most people. All of these characteristics can potentially affect a relationship very negatively, and they do not seem on the surface to be related to eating issues (but I believe they are).

I realize issues very specifically related to eating and body image issues may come up – weird eating habits, concern about how I look – which I’m a little more comfortable dealing with than the others.

Any insight?

Curious Reader

[Please Note: This post is not meant as a direct communication with any single person.]

Your experience and intuition has informed you well, and you’ve recognized something that it often takes individuals a very a long time to unravel – eating issues and relationship issues are intricately interconnected.

It’s important to note addressing the serious (and often life-threatening) symptoms of an eating disorder is vital. You mentioned that you are healthy now, and I hope that you feel truly proud of having recovered from the abuse of food and from self-injury. That is no small feat. Getting those behaviors under control is necessary to have the emotional and mental wherewithal to take on other issues in one’s life as well. That said, I believe that the insight that you are looking for is important in remaining well and involved in healthy, connected relationships.

In her truly transformative work, Gaining, Aimee Liu talks about how life after eating disorders can be fraught with remnants of the disordered past, especially if these issues aren’t addressed as part of the recovery process. She talks specifically about how some individuals who have recovered from eating disorders at times continue to struggle with issues that previously took the shape and color of food, but now show up in other forms. One of these can be relationship difficulties.

This is not to say that all people with eating disorders have tenuous relationships. Far from it, in fact. But as you astutely acknowledge, issues like perfectionism, control, and self-blame, when standing in the center of an interaction between human beings, can create struggle.

One of the major issues that I observe in individuals with a history of these struggles is having a weakened and fragile sense of self. Perhaps it has broken down through years – or a single instance – of trauma. Perhaps the eating disorder itself ravaged it. Perhaps – for whatever reason – it was not fully developed to start. Regardless, entering into a relationship with another human being without a sense of one’s self that is secure and grounded can lead to a great amount of strife. For some, this shows up as giving everything to the person, and ignoring their own needs and desires. For others, it’s creating and keeping secrets to prevent intimacy. For others, it’s reacting to demonstrations of affection with anger.  For others, it’s feeling terrified of becoming vulnerable enough to develop a real connection.

Recovering from an eating disorder means creating a sense of self – one that is deep and rich and complex. Eating disorders – and self-injury and substance abuse and long periods of isolation – cover over this self and dull its color. It becomes flat and sterile. Love and relationships can breathe life into the self, but they cannot sustain it alone. That’s why it’s so important to do ongoing work to build this self in the context of relationships and outside of them as well.

One of the most important keys to a healthy relationship is being able to identify and express emotions, and feeling secure in sharing these with another person. For individuals who have a history of using destructive behaviors to express what they could not, it’s important to develop the tools to do this in a healthy and productive way. This often takes hard work, therapy, and lots of practice!

The bottom line is that body image issues, disordered thoughts about food, feelings of depression and anxiety – they are all going to come up in relationships. [If your partner is struggling - or you are and you want your partner to know how to help, check out this post.] They do for all of no matter our past! What signals a healthy relationship is one in which those feelings can be explored and validated in way that feels safe. If that’s not the case, it might be worth talking to a professional.

Have a question that you think others might be wondering about as well? Email it to nourishingthesoulblog [at] gmail [dot] com. Please remember that this site is no way a replacement for consultation with a mental health professional. Assessing your individual situation and needs should be done by someone who knows your situation and is specially trained to work with you.