How would you handle losing the person who was not only the most important in your life, but who, in many ways, was your life? If you’re Kristine Carlson, you might harness your the beauty of your pain and write a moving memoir, Heartbroken Open, about the profound lessons of self that loss teaches us.

Kristine is the widow and soul mate of Richard Carlson, world-renowned teacher and author of the best-selling series, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. When Richard died unexpectedly as the two were dancing into mid-life, Kristine, a incredible writer in her own right, was left to grieve the loss of her daughters’ father, her partner and lover, and the life that she had envisioned. In this process, she wrote a beautiful account of how she moved through her grief and how she discovered herself in the process.

Below, Kristine answers some of my questions in order to help others navigate not only loss, but any type of painful and life-changing experience. Enjoy… and grow.

NTS: Tell us a bit about the person you were before the loss of your husband, Richard. What was your life life?

My life was all about being Richard’s wife and Mother to my children. I held space for him to do his spiritual work as an author and inspirational speaker, and I was “the crystal in the clock” making sure my family had everything they needed when they needed it. I had grown complacent to my own inner sense of passion, and I wasn’t feeling my life like I did after Richard died. Grief moved in and added tremendous awareness. Richard’s death woke me from my slumber; the funny thing was, I didn’t know I was asleep.

NTS: In Heartbroken Open, you take on the enormously challenging topics of loss and grief. What made you decide to write about these things from such a personal place?

Losing your spouse, the way I did so suddenly, is a devastating loss. I was blessed to have such an amazing support system but in my most primal grief, I barely felt I would survive. Richard said to me in October before he died, “Kris, what I love about the human spirit, is those people that take their greatest tragedy and allow it to move them forward, giving their lives greater meaning.” I believe he was going through a personal transformation at this point and unconsciously sensed the end of his life on the horizon. I wrote Heartbroken Open so that a real story of life, love and loss would be told uncensored. I believe that my marriage to Richard was rare, and I want to honor him and my own presence on this earth by helping others heal. It seems that any story of value must be told from authenticity, and a memoir is very personal. I answered a divine call when I wrote Heartbroken Open.

NTS: Many of us wonder how we could ever survive the loss of our spouse or someone we hold that dear to our hearts. What have you learned about your ability to survive and thrive?

The reason why Richard’s “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” book series was so popular is because those books were born from the chapters of our lives. I believe that my resiliency and strength came from living a gentle lifetime of love with a remarkable soul while practicing a healthy way through life. Any person who practices life as their spiritual journey says “yes” to all of life knowing that it holds trials and suffering along the way. We don’t always choose our circumstances (maybe on some unconscious level we do) but we can choose how we move forward. I learned to move forward, presently, invoking grace and love to help me survive. I followed a mantra: Surrender, Trust and Accept to Receive a new life. I walked into the fire of my grief and allowed it to burn me into liberation from my pain. My regrets taught me to accept what I cannot change and to ultimately let go. I can now say with a smile: I truly don’t sweat the small stuff and I have lived through the big stuff.

NTS: You speak in the book about living presently. How were you able to stay so present with your grief rather than avoiding it?

I did both. I lived with my grief and sometimes I avoided it. What I noticed quickly was that the shortest distance out of the foxhole was to be in it (grief) so that I could express it out. My body would tell me if I was avoiding it; I would have a tremendous burning in my gut. Then, I would sob and feel relief. There is no way out except going all the way in. Grief taught me presence. I lived in the now because there would be no pain there. I suppose this was my natural health stepping in to avoid pain, but what an incredible gift to practice presence for survival. I lived this way thoughtfully for much of the time. When I didn’t, I would express my emotions and return to the moment with peace.

NTS: Tell us about the process of changing your identity from wife to widow. Were there other areas of your life where you found yourself needing to change your perception of your identity?

Everything changes when your spouse dies. I was surprised to find myself dealing with issues I thought I had long left behind in my youth but they were just resting in the shadows of my relationship. Many things surfaced in my life to be healed so that I could transform to a new level of awareness. My authenticity grew as my identity died. At first, I was deeply afraid of being alone and terrified that I was now a “single” woman in mid-life. I have learned to find my way and have also accepted that I may be “single” for the rest of my life. The difference between me and many people is that I have lived the relationship of my dreams. I have survived and accepted the loss of it and found my way back to joy. My personal goal is to be complete within myself living with a greater capacity for love. This may or may not manifest in the same way or kind of relationship I had with my beloved. I trust that all will be revealed, in time, and I live life by divine lead.

NTS: On NTS we speak a great deal about staying nourished in mind, body, and spirit. How were you able to sustain and nourish yourself through the most difficult moments?

I knew not to drink alcohol, especially in the beginning, because I didn’t want to be under the influence of a depressant. I also didn’t want to use any prescription drugs that my numb me out although I did use sleep medication at times. I wanted to learn and grow because I was curious about this process of grief and how it would unfold for me. While I loathed the pain, I relished the fertile ground and the opening to my wisdom and the awakening of my spirit that this experience of loss brought with it. I hiked and I drank lots of water. I stayed flexible with my schedule often cancelling engagements so that I could grieve in stillness. I was very gentle with myself. I took baths every night and I had a professional massage every month. I committed to myself not to make any huge life changing decisions the first year. I asked for help from my family and friends when I needed it. Four years later, miraculously I haven’t been sick one time and I am the healthiest I have ever been! Go figure…you can come through your worst nightmare in greater health.

NTS: You talk about encounters you had with others trying to support you through your loss. How do you feel we can best support one another through difficult times?

The best we can offer is to hold space for grief. There is no fixing it or solving it. You can offer to assist in the stuff of life that is mundane—like food preparation, driving the kids to school or sports, and household chores. This kind of help is often very appreciated. “Listening” is probably the most important thing you can offer and the greatest gift. Sitting presently without needing to change whatever arises even when it triggers you. These are the most helpful things one person can do for anyone in grief. There is little comfort in trite expressions. Keep your advise to a minimum and you willingness to be present to the maximum, and you will be the greatest support. Create a tribe around the person in grief supporting them with the power of community. Send them to my free on-line support group (Heartbroken Open support circle) at http://www.kristinecarlson.com.

You can learn even more from Kristine in her beautiful book, Heartbroken Open. You can also connect with her via her website or by following her on twitter. Image Credit :: Kristine Carlson.

Welcome back for Part II of this inspirational interview with author, advocate, and musician, Shannon Cutts. In Part I, Shannon shared how relationships replace eating disorders. In today’s post, she shares some of the lessons she has taken away from being both a mentee and mentor, as well as how to navigate the difficult but rewarding world of helping someone in recovery. You can also take a moment to watch Shannon in action spreading her message of hope through words and song.

NTS: What have you learned from your own mentor?

SC: She reached out to me and offered me her support, and that is why I am the person I am today. She would set down ground rules – but all of these rules were very life-affirming and loving towards ME, not the eating disorder. Over time, with that consistent support and love from her, and reassurance that YES, I could achieve my goal to not choose my eating disorder over my life anymore, and that YES, I was worth fighting and recovering for, I chose my relationship with her over my relationship with the eating disorder.

My current mentor, Lynn, has supported me for nearly a decade now, and also serves as Vice Chair on MentorCONNECT’s board. I always joke that she probably had no idea what she was getting into when she accepted me as a mentee! Because of my mentors, most especially Lynn, I have absolute faith that I can become a better me. I know I can slowly but surely transform into the me I have always dreamed of being. I have faith in humanity and in love, and in the givingness of others – and my own ability to give and to love as well. And I know that what I do and who I am are not the same – today, through my mentor Lynn’s guidance and support, I can even get angry at my actions and still unconditionally love who I am. That, to me, is a bona fide miracle.

If everyone who joins MentorCONNECT has the opportunity to meet a Lynn, then that will be my dreams for the community fulfilled.

NTS: What have you learned from being a mentor and from your mentees?

SC: I have learned that being invited to serve as someone’s mentor is the greatest and most humbling gift a person can receive. It is truly amazing. To know that my life inspires someone – that they see something in me that they hope to experience in their own life one day – that they entrust bits and pieces of their private behind-the-scenes reality with me – it inspires me to continue giving my best every day and working on my own evolution as well so I can be a better servant, mentor, friend, and human being.

Being a mentor – “paying it forward” – is also an essential part of maintaining my own recovery progress. In the Alcoholics Anonymous communities, it is required to take a “sponsee” if you want to “graduate” from the Twelve Steps. This is because the sponsee will never really own what they have achieved if they do not have the chance to teach someone else what they have learned.

We have many mentors on MentorCONNECT who tell us that serving as a mentor is a great reminder of why they want to dedicate themselves fully to maintaining their own recovery. One of our mentors allows us to use her quote to answer questions like these: “I can say that so far being a mentor is an insurance policy in the fact that I wouldn’t even think about relapsing…reason being…….hearing their pain and suffering as they deal with ED. It reminds me what I left behind and saddens me because I want to make it better quick but I can’t; it’s a process. It’s a lot of work but I love it so far. It’s a great addition to my recovery.”

NTS: How do you know when you’re ready to assist others in their journeys?

SC: On MentorCONNECT, we have a policy that before a person can serve as a mentor, they must have experienced twelve consecutive months in sustained recovery, which we define as “largely free from eating disordered thoughts and coping behaviors.”

It is very important for a mentor to be significantly recovered in this way because serving as a mentor can otherwise be triggering and can produce a relapse if the mentor is not ready.

Of course I did not have this policy as a guide when I first began serving as a mentor, but I did have a full commitment to maintaining my own recovery. I had seen how devastating an eating disorder could be and after working so hard to recover, I was not only committed to staying in recovery myself, but to helping others survive the hell that is an eating disorder without having to do it virtually alone like I did.

NTS: How might someone handle a situation in which they thought they could be a support to someone else but then feel overwhelmed or unprepared?

SC: That is such a great question – and it happens sometimes. The best way to handle a situation such as you describe is always to reach out for help. On MentorCONNECT, we have so much support for all of our members. Fully 10% of MentorCONNECT’s membership is significantly or fully recovered. We have a large Leadership Team and each one of us is available to offer insight, guidance, and personal support to our mentors and the membership.

We also encourage our mentor members to enter their volunteer service with outside sources of support already in place. A person who does not have support themselves is rarely in a good position to support others. So ideally, they would be able to reach out for support from their own team. From there, honesty is always the best policy. It is perfectly okay to say to someone you have been supporting, “I did not expect this, but I am struggling again. I would not be doing you or me a service to continue supporting you without taking care of my own recovery needs first. I care about you and I care about me, which is why, for now, I am going to encourage you to seek support elsewhere.”

On MentorCONNECT, should this situation ever arise, our more experienced mentors are prepared to help and guide the mentee to make a new mentoring match, and help the mentor as well to reframe their membership from the perspective of someone who joins primarily in search of support versus someone who joins primarily to offer their support.

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If you’re interested in becoming part of MentorCONNECT, you can learn more on the website. Or follow on twitter for the latest updates.

What have you learned from the mentors (formal or informal) in your own life?

I’m thrilled to be able to share with all of you today my interview with Shannon Cutts, author of Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Backand creator of MENTORConnect. If you’re not familiar with Shannon, you are truly missing out! She is a renowned speaker, intuitive writer, and award-winning musician. She is also someone who has struggled herself with eating disorders and has a beautiful message of hope that she shares through various media. In Part I of our interview, Shannon talks about her own recovery journey and why recovery isn’t optional.

NTS: You are a person in recovery, a speaker, author, songwriter, and advocate. What was instrumental for you in getting to be the person who you are today?

SC:  Well, the first thing I can say is that who I am today continues to be a work-in-progress. When I first started my recovery journey I had no plans to do what I do today in terms of advocacy and outreach work for eating disorders recovery. Since I became ill at age 11 and progressed all the way through recovery before I ever met another person who had struggled with an eating disorder, I had little formal information about my disease and only the support of one person – my mentor – to figure out how to do the hard work of recovery.

So I emerged from my recovery journey understanding just how vital, how critical, the presence of even one caring, supportive, encouraging person can be in the life of someone who is struggling to recover.

NTS: You say frequently that “relationships replace eating disorders.” Explain what you mean.

SC: Funny you should ask that. In my own recovery journey, I noticed that I had definitely developed a “relationship” of sorts with the eating disordered thoughts and coping skills, and with that voice in my head that I later began to call “the eating disorder voice”.

So instead of turning to friends and family members, in time I turned only to my eating disorder for comfort, advice, and understanding. I spent so much time immersed in maintaining my eating disorder that it became my primary source of companionship – I didn’t even remember that I was a “me” anymore. I had become my eating disorder in my mind. I think that is what is behind the phenomenon we see on social media sites such as Facebook, where there are so many profile pages that contain the name “Ana” or “Mia”. That identity between the person and the eating disorder voice becomes so intertwined that it takes over their awareness of who they are and what their life is about.

NTS: Tell us about meeting your own mentor and how that relationship played a role in your recovery.

SC: After a health crisis that finally woke me up to the life or death struggle I was in, I met my first mentor. When I met her, I suddenly had the opportunity for a contrast – the experience of a different type of equally strong relationship. I also noticed that my mentor was a lot nicer than my eating disorder. She was more loving, more encouraging, and I noticed that I preferred how she spoke to me, and how I felt when I spent time with her. And since by then I was fighting like a dog to recover, I was really paying attention to anything that could help me to replace the eating disorder with some other kind of relationship.

Also, the relationship I had with my mentor and the relationship I had with my eating disorder were not complementary – I began to realize I had to choose either one or the other. Because of my mentor, I am alive today. She reached out to me and offered me her support, and that is why I am the person I am today. And that is why I do the work that I do today.

NTS: What about for those individuals who struggle with eating or weight issues but may not have an eating disorder. What role might a mentor or relationships play for them?

SC: Interestingly, my first mentor did not struggle with an eating disorder. But she did know what it was like to be confronted by a significant, life-threatening, sanity-threatening challenge, and she taught me that we are the equal to any challenge life hands us, and that it is human to struggle – she would always say to me “everybody has something”.

Today I remind others of this same truth. We all have something we struggle with. Which means we all have the ability to benefit from mentoring. And we all have the ability to offer our support to others in appropriate ways as well. I tell my mentees that sometimes they are ahead of me in some areas and yet in this one area where I am recovered and they are still struggling, I am well-placed to mentor them. On MentorCONNECT, we always remind each member that no one of us is too healthy to still need support ourselves, or too sick to have something to give.

I would encourage anyone who is struggling with eating issues that impact their quality of life, sense of self worth, body image, self esteem, and ability to feel enthusiastic and hopeful about life and their dreams, to reach out for support.

NTS: Tell us about MentorCONNECT. What was the inspiration and how does it work?

SC: When I first started sharing my story, it was at the direct invitation of a young woman who came to one of my music concerts. Eventually I agreed to speak at that young woman’s treatment center, and after that I began to receive letters from some of the women I talked to. I started informally mentoring these women, and I was simply shocked to find out that there were still so few recovered voices sharing hope and providing daily living proof that recovery IS possible.

After awhile other recovered persons found my information and they wrote to me, asking how they could serve and support those who were struggling like I was doing. They would write “how can I do what you are doing” and that is what made me aware of how important mentoring really is to people in recovery from eating disorders on either side of the spectrum – it was important for those who struggle to receive, and equally important for those who had recovered to find a way to give and also stay connected to a recovery community as well.

I had some colleagues and I asked some of them to help me brainstorm a type of global portal where recovered persons who wanted to be mentors could meet recovering persons who wanted a mentor and connect. We spent a year and a half brainstorming what is now MentorCONNECT.

I still remember how, just a few days after we launched, I stayed up until 4am processing 22 new applications in one day. It was awe-inspiring to watch… that hunger people had to accept support, to give support, and to connect in a community of peers who truly understand.

In MentorCONNECT, we have lots of training and support for our mentoring teams, as well as lots of daily and weekly group mentoring activities that the community can do together. And we are very strict about the type of content that can be shared during group mentoring activities – we do not allow any triggering information about weights, numbers, behaviors, medical details, etc – and we are also very clear about the difference between a mentor and a treating professional for our members’ safety.

Be sure to check back tomorrow for Part II of this interview. Tomorrow, Shannon will talk about what she has learned from her own mentor and how to navigate tricky situations in helping others recover. Check out the website you are interested in learning more about MentorCONNECT. To learn more about Shannon and her book, music, blog, and more, visit her website.

To catch you up, I’ve been chatting with Ron Saxen, author of The Good Eater: The True Story of One Man’s Struggle with Binge Eating Disorder, over the past couple days. Ron is sharing with NTS readers his experience with Binge Eating Disorder and his battle to recovery.  Be sure to check out Part I and Part II and, of course, share your thoughts on the series and Ron’s story in the comments section!

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NTS: What did you do to address your own eating issues?

As I mentioned before, just knowing that there was a name for my pain was a game changer. I figured if I could understand why it happened and how I got screwed up then I stood a good chance of unscrewing myself. Big picture, I read everything I could get my hands on which led to discovering all kinds of things that just made sense–things like ‘black and white thinking’ (which kind of ties into perfection), that I was using food as the way controlled my anxiety—good or bad…. And besides the knowledge piece, I also confided in this wonderful woman that would one day end up being my wife (I know, doesn’t say much for her judgment), which gave me someone to talk about things with (a huge release), and, more importantly, someone to support me through all the messy stuff. And lastly, I eventually, late in the game, just to be safe, saw a therapist—something I wish I would’ve had the guts to do much earlier, which reminds me of my first appoint. I showed up with a clipboard and a day-timer and dressed in a sport coat and tie—yes, I wanted to look like a doctor visiting a doctor: as apposed to a crazy person visiting a doctor.

NTS: What do you think makes some men hesitant to seek treatment?

Big picture, it’s our nature. Breaking it down, it’s of course all kinds of DUMB REASONS. I shall riddle them off in no particular order: Because it’s a woman’s disease/problem and we’re not women; because if you’re a man and have it you must be gay; because men suck at going to doctors, especially therapist, which again is something that only women and gays do; because we think we know how to fix things, so what not ourselves; because admitting it means YOU’RE WEAK! A prime example is me; I waited forever to see a therapist even though I knew damn well I should. Also, a little secret; I still have a problem admitting, especially in front of men, that I wrote a book about my eating disordered life—because as a man I know what they’re thinking. It’s my wife who brings it up, not me. And if there’s men present, I usually find myself changing the subject as fast as I can.

NTS: What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with body image and/or disordered eating?

Get help when and where you can. Don’t wait like I did. Don’t be hard on yourself. It takes time to get better. You, like me, didn’t get where you are overnight and shouldn’t expect to get better overnight either. My favorite stolen line is that recovery is like rabbit prints in the snow, it’s all over the place. By that I mean that recovery isn’t a straight line, there will be ups and downs and plateaus and moments of WOW. Just thinking about my eating disordered days and where I am now blows my mind. I really never thought that this day, a much better day, would ever happen.

NTS: What else would you like readers of NTS to know? Any other tips or final thoughts?

Two things. One, that it’s never too soon to begin the journey — whatever your issues are — to take back control of your life. And second, be patient with yourself; give yourself the room to be human, to be imperfect as you make your way to a better life.

Lastly, I’d like to share a story, for no particular reason other than I like telling, what I think, are interesting stories. When my book came out I of course did all the press stuff and invariably, because for a while I was everywhere, it’s probably no surprise that someone from my past would show up at one of my events; the person just so happened to be my first girlfriend’s mother. And what I was shocked to learn was that both of us, my first girlfriend and I, had eating disorders at roughly the same time—and of course neither of us knew. She would come out of the closest like me, only 15 years earlier, also discussing her battle openly in the press. Three months later, at an event, we met—quite surreal.