{credit K; via pinterest}

In the introduction to a several-page spread in a popular women’s magazine recently, the creative director “confesses” that he hates his arms, and how much he can relate to the body-hatred experienced by his female counterparts. While I’m always happy to see men acknowledging honestly their body image concerns, his confession was the introduction to an article on how to solve “dressing dilemmas.”

What to do when your panty hose run three minutes after walking out the door (when you’re running ten minutes late)? How to find trendy heels that won’t cause bunions? How to stop that turtleneck from itching so badly that you rip it off and hurl it across the room… at work?

These are some of the  “dilemmas” that I face, and would have been legitimately interested in learning how to “solve.” But this particular article had other issues in mind – to use their descriptions, turkey neck, spare tires, front butt, pit chub, bat wings, frump butt, and thunder thighs.

If that hasn’t sent you spinning into post-traumatic flashbacks of high school bullying, it’s probably because we’ve been so desensitized to such offensive and deprecating phrases. I was floored that these terms were used to describe any part of the female body. But I guess in the society in which we live, I shouldn’t have been.

A quick glance in the grocery line reveals all sorts of clever little phrases for women’s bodies – chub rub, side boobs, and the list goes on. What’s so frustrating about this, however, is not so much the phraseology, but the fact that the names are intricately tied to an expectation that women have flaws that need to be somehow rectified.

When did our bat wings become a problem? When someone decided it was profitable for them to be a problem. 

Bear with me here, because I realize this might sound like a foreign language.

We are not born with flaws, and we do not die with flaws. Our bodies are exactly how they are meant to be at each moment in time. There is nothing inherently wrong with our bodies. And do you know how I know that? Because they are the way they are, and that is reality.

So we long to be taller, or have bigger breasts, or smaller feet… But what we know, the only thing we know, is that this is we are the person we are supposed to be, inhabiting the body we are supposed to inhabit. Whatever explanation makes sense to you – genetics, God, destiny, a combo of all of them – the fact remains that we are who we are, with all of our uniquenesses in tow. And if that is who we are, it is who we are meant to be.

With that said, it seems that we have it all wrong when it comes to our approach to our “dressing dilemmas.” What if the clothes with which we adorn our bodies are not meant to cover “sins” or hide belly fat, but rather are meant as an expression of our creative self? What if the clothes were an extension of how we see the world? Or, if you don’t want to go that far, a way of simply keeping us comfortable in inclement weather? What if, for once, they weren’t a means of hiding these, apparently, un-namable body issues?

What if it’s the clothes that are wrong? What if it’s the corporation selling the clothes? What if it’s the magazine that advertising the quick fixes to our body blemishes? What if it’s our government for allowing manipulation and sexualization of our physical selves. What if it’s anyone or anything at all rather than our body to blame? What then?

That’s a lot of questions. They’re not meant to be answered. They’re meant to be felt. Sit with them and notice what comes up.

How do you feel? What if your body isn’t wrong?

{image credit :: Corryne Wooten}

The lovely Sui, of Cynosure fame, asked me recently about what I do to show myself kindness. [It’s for a really cool project she’s working on, so stay tuned!] It really got me thinking about self-care and how it’s so much more complicated than manicures and getting a good night’s sleep.

As I told Sui, I tend to be pretty conservative when it comes to trying new things. I’ve talked about that before. So in order to widen my scope of life and not live in a tiny bubble, I have to push myself at times to step – or leap – outside my comfort zone. A good example of this was when I tried yoga for the first time. While I’d been curious about the practice for ages, my fear of falling over and making a fool of myself ruled the roost for a long time. When I finally got up the nerve to give it a go, I feel in love with the practice. It’s now regularly part of my self-care routine.

But one thing I’ve learned is that when I pack my schedule full of “self-care” activities – when I try to jam in eleven supposedly relaxing activities into one day – I find myself totally burnt out. And when I stop listening to my body, I feel drained and depleted.

It usually starts out subtly. I notice a nagging that feels like a pulling inside my chest. When I start to listen a little more closely I notice that my mind is keeping pace – it’s starting to whisper that I really don’t feel like practicing Spanish tonight. The voice usually gets louder until I have to pay attention to it – and I have to make a decision. At that point I notice that there might be one part of my brain that tries to convince me that my lack of interest is related to me being a.) lazy b.) a wimp c.) dull. I’ve found that I have to just notice these thoughts and not allow myself to attach to them. [Minds do funny things!]

I have to go back to the feeling – usually in my body – and try to evaluate what’s really going on. Maybe I’m just tired after a long day and I don’t have the mental energy for Spanish tonight. Maybe my body is trying to gently tell me that I really don’t even care about learning Spanish. Or maybe it’s telling me that it’s just not the right time in my life to be committing to this particular endeavor. Whatever it is, giving myself space to look a little more deeply, with curiosity instead of judgment, allows for some powerful revelations.

Sometimes I end up studying the Spanish, or going to yoga, or meeting friends for brunch. But other times I stay home in bed and stream Netflix. ¿Comprende?

Are you able to be gentle with yourself with self-care? What kinds of things do you enjoy to nourish your soul?

{image credit :: annie varland}

“My mom should understand that I cannot be who she wants me to be. She should respect who I am,” the woman says with indignation.

Oh, should she?

It sounds rational enough. A parent should respect the person that their child has become and should love her unconditionally. Makes sense to me. What about you? But then, that’s colored by my own expectations of what parenthood means. And that’s colored by things like my own experience being parented, the cultural messages about parenting I have internalized, and even by all my tangled expectations about how relationships should function. It’s shoulds on top of shoulds on top of shoulds.

And you know what you get while you pile shoulds on top of one another?

I don’t know either, but it’s not good.

What if we considered disengaging from that thought? What if we were willing to consider that perhaps a parent shouldn’t love a child unconditionally if they do not?

Confused yet?

This radical way of approaching our thoughts, and thus the world, is part of The Work of Byron Katie. Katie, who emerged from a deep depression and reports coming out on the other side with a spiritual and mental awakening, suggests that to change our lives, we have to change our relationship with our thoughts.

Ever the model of balance, in Katie’s style of simultaneous gentleness and firmness, she challenges individuals to accept what is, rather than what they would like to be true.

Things should be the way they are, she asserts, not the way we’d like them to be.

So if we think that our friend should have paid for dinner the other night? He shouldn’t have. Why? Because he didn’t.

It’s that simple. But then again, it’s not.

Katie’s theory of inquiring into our own thoughts and accepting the reality of what is can come as a slap in the face to us – particularly those of us who have spent years – decades even – holding firmly to our beliefs of what “should” be.

For some, giving up the notion of what should be can even feel like totally abandoning ourselves. If we acknowledge that things are just because they are, that staying angry or hurt or frustrated causes us suffering and not the other person, well… that’s a hard pill to swallow.

And yet it’s the only pill, according to Katie. It’s the only way to move forward peacefully. If we want to live our lives honestly, clearly, and without suffering (and who the heck doesn’t want that, right?), we have to come to an acceptance of what is.

We don’t have to love it, or even like. But if we want peace, we have to accept it. Eeek!

I suspect, however, that with enough practice, we will learn to love it. I know that I’ve found this to be true. I hate pain as much as the next lady, but I’m also able to say thank you for it. Thank you, pain, for teaching me what I needed so desperately to be taught. Thank you for rearing your ugly, I mean lovely, head, getting up in my business, and showing me the way. Thank you for knocking me down so that I could build myself back up. Thank you for trusting that I’d be strong enough to face you. Thank you.

That’s the beauty of loving what is.

Are you raging against reality? What have you come to accept?

{image from BibliOdyssey via pinterest}

Thanks to the inspirational Pete Michaud for recently posting this gem. I had to share it:

“Tigger is alright, really,” said Piglet lazily.
“Of course he is,” said Christopher Robin.
“Everybody is, really,” said Pooh. “That’s what I think.”
“But I don’t suppose I’m right,” he said.
“Of course you are,” said Christopher Robin.

{A.A. Milne}