{via pinterest; originally here}

This post is one that has been brewing in mind for a while. After I watched Brene Brown’s recent TED talk on approaching shame, I was settled on writing it. And then I read Gala Darling’s amazing post on whether she’s a radical self-love hypocrite for wearing five-inch heels.

What both of these inspiring women talk about is the concept of privilege. Brown claims that we cannot talk about race relations in this country without talking about shame, the link being the acknowledgement of white privilege. I whole-heartedly agree. To really address race, we have to address privilege, and we have to address shame.

Gala Darling points outs the fact that just as those of us who are white are granted certain privileges in our society, so are those of us who are attractive, or who ascribe to the norms laid out like inalienable laws in our culture.

Think about it. I’m sure that you’ve had the experience of being decked out in a pretty dress, high heels, and a face full of make-up, and been treated oh so slightly better than when you showed up in your hoodie and flannel shorts. One example that I can think of is running into a grocery store to pick something up before a party and being asked by several different staff if they could help me find what I was looking for. Wow, I thought, what service! Unfortunately, I didn’t have the same experience when I walked in a week later after a sweaty run and no shower. Granted, the first time it could have been my hurried expression and the second time my smell to blame, but I’d put money on the beauty privilege idea.

This type of treatment isn’t relegated to grocery stores, unfortunately. Watching The Voice recently, my husband and I were commenting that the judges seem to place a value on physical attractiveness in selecting the winner of the “battle-round” (when two contestants face off in a singing duel). This is particularly ironic because the show is based around the idea that one should be advanced and selected based on the quality of their performance. In fact, it’s what makes the show so engaging is that individuals with non-stereotyped body sizes, physical appearances, or styles, are actually given a chance to shine. In the beginning, it eliminates beauty privilege. But as soon as the judges can use visual information to help them make a decision, we start to see the insidious pull of attraction. Just think of Susan Boyle’s rise to fame.

It’s not just the judges that are engaging in this. Just wait until the live shows when the American public can vote. I feel quite certain we’ll see more beauty bias at play. And to be honest, there’s good, biologically speaking, reason for this.

Back in the 1970’s, some social psychology researchers identified the “what is beautiful is good” bias. What they and subsequent researchers found was that attractive people are assumed to be better employees, smarter, happier, and have more positive personality traits. These same biases operate for lower versus higher weight individuals as well.

What’s interesting is that, while these ideas are not necessarily founded, when they are true it could also be due the cycle of privilege. When someone is born attractive, they are treated differently from the get-go. They are regarded well by peers and possibly interact more frequently, thereby developing more charisma and confidence. They are favored by teachers and might end up enjoying school more for this reason, so suddenly they are excelling in their courses.

The point is, the idea of beauty privilege is complex, and the solution is unfortunately complex as well. It’s not as easy as just stopping giving pretty people all the good stuff. Our evolution-driven wiring to seek out what is attractive is not going anywhere. So what we are left with is the task of recognizing and talking about the idea of beauty privilege.

Just as with any form of privilege, we hold back from discussing it because it can bring about shame. But we know that approaching shame and sitting with it in all its discomfort is part of the work of becoming more authentic and happier human beings. If we want to live in a world where our politicians are the best people to run the government, our singers are actually talented, and our children don’t feel they have to wear make-up in pre-school, then we have to acknowledge and start dialoguing about what is hard to talk about.

How have you seen beauty privilege? 

Ever pick up the latest issue of Vogue and feel just a little bit, well… underdressed? Or read Shape and noticed your self-esteem dropping in direct correlation with the number miles you did not run today? Ever peruse Good Housekeeping and wonder just how other women seem to have time to clean their gutters, plan a dinner party for twelve, teach a yoga class, negotiate a raise at work, and make mad, passionate love to their husbands, all before getting in bed promptly at ten o’clock? Yeah, me too.

As a bit of an experiment, I took a peek at some of the latest issues of the most popular women’s magazines, just to find out exactly how I should be spending my time. With circulations nearing seven million, one would imagine that the information therein would be of the absolute highest quality, right? What better source to determine just how to plan my day! Here’s a rundown of what’s on my magazine-inspired agenda:

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I would start my morning by working to make my eyes as big, bright, and sexy as possible. I’ll need to devote at least twenty minutes to follow the recommended routine applying moisturizer, high-end eye cream, brightening shadow, special liner, and $65 mascara on my Latisse-enhanced lashes. No one likes small, dull, unsexy eyes, right? Psssh……

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I’d then move on to finding the perfect jeans for my bum while I apply the rest of my make-up for flawless skin. If I started to experienced any body anxiety about living up to these unattainable ideals, I’d just use some of the techniques I learned in… oh, wow… the same magazine. Now how can that be….

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After heading to my totally fabulous 9-5er, checking emails and sipping my non-fat latte, I’d start wondering if perhaps I shouldn’t do something more meaningful with my life, like returning to school to free my brother from prison. I start googling online LSAT prep courses…

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After work I’d head to the gym to take off what I packed on and develop some flat, sexy, abs! Just because I lost weight while eating out at lunch doesn’t mean my abs are going to be toned enough to make good sex great. All that core work will definitely pay off in the bedroom later…

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After my intense workout, I’m starvinnnng and so whip up shortcut dinner of portabella mushroom stroganoff. I used to think frozen pizza was sufficient, but now that I’m supposed to eat organic, vegan, raw, clean, and 100% taste-free, I’ve had to make some changes.

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Once the dishes are washed, I can reflect on my long day of primping, working, exercising, and meal planning. And I realize I’m totally in the mood for bad girl sex, of course. Who cares if I’m more Natalie Portman than Kim Kardashian?

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But before I corner my partner, I start wondering, “how many men is too many?” Struck by the perpetual female conundrum – to be a prude or a whore – I start tallying… And anxiety ensues. Maybe I’ll hold off on the midnight romp for another night. Instead, I’ll just read about the latest diet that, while reportedly dangerous, really works. I mean, they say it does on the cover, right?

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Okay, so I hope that we can all have a little chuckle. I don’t hate these magazines, nor do I think that they don’t often have super helpful tips (e.g. saving on grocery bills), important health news (Glamour got me to finally make SPF a priority), and inspiring stories (some of these cover girls are rock stars! – in the coolest sense of the word).

But it’s all too easy for the tips and advice to make us feel like we can’t measure up. Maybe you just can’t afford that $400 handbag or don’t have time for a daily yoga lesson. Hey, It’s OK! It doesn’t mean you’re not totally amazing.

If magazines are getting you down, it may be time to cut them up and, say, make a beautiful vision board. Decide to be your own cover girl and decide on all the headlines you’d want on the magazine of your life. [FYI: You’ll see no mention of flat abs or long lashes on mine!].

How would you want your headlines to read?

Have you ever wondered if therapists, body image cheerleaders, and the like worry about how they look? Ever struggled to know if your elaborate skin care routine suggests obsession? Ever wondered if it’s possible to both love yourself unconditionally and still want to want to change certain things about yourself?

I’m addressing these questions and more over on the fabulous Rosie Molinary’s blog today:

Does self-acceptance mean “letting yourself go?”

Check it out and leave comments letting us know what YOU think!

Standing at a domineering 6 feet, 8 inches tall, Amazon Eve knows a thing or two about standing out in a crowd. As the world’s tallest model and a fitness trainer, Eve has used her unique body to make a name for herself. But does the international star still struggle with her body image or being taller than most male suitors? In this intimate interview, Eve shares with me her experience of feeling different and how she has developed a healthy relationship with her body.

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NTS:  When did you begin to feel “different”? What was it like to experience your body making you stand out from your peers?

Amazon Eve: It felt like a mutation; like that first alien they pushed out of the mother ship during Steve Spielberg’s A CLOSE ENCOUNTER.  Tall, lanky and very vulnerable–‘eat her first humans’ was the message by inference.  I was different from my peers and I could tell they noticed how tall I was.  The comments kept coming from my classmate friends to adults commenting on me being more gently, “A tall drink of water.” I now answer them with, “Because I was very thirsty,” growing up.  By the time I was 14 I was 5’11” and taller than most adults.  Given that the average adult male height is 5’9” and female is 5’4” in the United States, it was really bad in the next four years as I grew 9 inches.  The growing pains took forever to stop. It was awful and to hear the teasing and taunts from other classmates was unbearable.  I was not graceful growing up and didn’t have much elegance in my step till much later in life.

NTS: Are there body image issues that you continue to struggle with? How do you stay body-positive?

Amazon Eve: Yes I do still struggle with my height, finding something that fits is a challenge.  Not as much now and I, like any woman, feel the pressure from the mainstream girly magazines to look a certain way.  I try to ignore it all and just be happy with the body I’ve been given.  I am grateful for my body–this is my mantra. My body is a gift–if you prefer.  I exercise to make my body as fit and as is should be shaped.  I can never be a short girl, and why would I want to when I’m looking beautiful and tall. Exercise helps you get back in touch with your body, when we women can be so brutal with ourselves and our body image, exercise with realistic expectations can give you a lifetime of positive results.

NTS: As a trainer, you help other women to stop focusing on the scale and become proud of their shape.  How have you been able to do this yourself? How do you assist other women in doing so?

Amazon Eve: I try to find out why someone wants to see me as a trainer; man or woman.  I ask those that want to look better to show me a picture of their ideal shape.  By this I’m trying to see how realistic their expectations are.  If I get some skinny guy wanting to look like a huge muscled-up body builder, I have to attempt to convince them to look at something more realistic.  Same for woman with a bit of a twist; woman place more emphasis on looks and a model size rarely fits most of us.  So we do a lot of searches for role models that do fit their particular body shape and fitness goals.  For someone like me where there are few examples, I have to do a bit more soul searching and looked towards athletic woman–Gabriele Reece was a star example of mine.

When I say stop looking at the scale I‘m talking about being more aware of your shape and dimensions then on some arbitrary number that comes from a scale.  I tried to get down to a models scale weight once and it almost killed me. My relationship with food needed to stop being that abusive boyfriend or addictive relationship with certain substances that call to me.

NTS: What has your experience been like as a model? In what way has it impacted the way that you see or use your body?

Amazon Eve: My experience as a model came at exactly the right time–later than usual.  I appreciate the gifts I’ve been given more.  The once ugly duckling is now a beautiful swan.  However, it took more than words and lots of people telling me, “Why aren’t you modeling” or “Are you a model?” I had to change the meaning of why people were staring at me when I walked down the street. Myself, me, and I needed to get in greater touch with who I am.  I’m a beautiful person–not perfect.  I don’t have to be perfect or some arbitrary model size and that shows through. I believe that is why I’m where I’m at today.  When they put you on a magazine cover you can’t call yourself ugly; some men have me on their bedroom walls as a pin-up.  It took much more than that to have a continued career in modeling.  The world’s tallest model is more objective than the worlds most beautiful model.  This lends itself to a bit of built-in celebrity.  I’m very realistic about this.

NTS: What advice would you offer women who struggle with a body that in some way makes them feel different from others?

Amazon Eve: Be realistic: Physical beauty is ephemeral–short lived. What really counts is what’s inside–that sounds like an old screed.  How we talk to ourselves is very important. It’s a whole seminar with seats filled with paid ticket holders.  The November/December issue of Psychology Today that I was in had a series are articles about the Psychology of Beauty and the Battle Over Beauty; waxing a trite muse; “inner beauty is OK but it wont get you laid.”  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  There is no model size.  There are those men out there that like short girls that wouldn’t give me a second look, yet it’s a bit frustrating to see a super tall man (perfect for me) with a short spinner girl, but damn there is an army of Umpa-Lumpa’s sans the orange skin and green knickers that think I’m the hottest thing on the planet.   Always remember whatever size you are we all deserve love. It will probably be waiting for you around the corner in a package your are least expecting.