{Image Credit :: wolvesandrabbits}

She’s only half the woman that she once was, but don’t tell her that.

At 28, my friend Laura has long lost almost half of what was once her highest weight. She hasn’t been to that point in almost ten years, dropping the pounds in desperate attempt to forestall what she perceived to be inevitable rejection come move-in day of her freshman year of college. Her self-proclaimed fat clothes are not shoved in the back of her bulging closet; they are long discarded – adorning Goodwill-goers and those with bodies far larger than Laura herself.

But Laura doesn’t see herself as the size six with killer triceps. When she looks in mirror, she is flooded with memories of sitting alone at the community center, drinking her diet coke and feeling hot and uncomfortable in the black tafetta dress her mom finally found on sale in the Women’s department. “Black is so slimming!” she was told. “Right,” she thought. “And so are vertical stripes. But I refuse to go there.”

She recalls watching the other girls dance with bright, carefree smiles adorning their perfectly made-up faces. And Laura is angry – though she’s not sure if it’s at the girls for fitting into the strapless sequined dresses that she’d been eyeing for months or at herself for letting Dunkin Donuts distract her from her low-carb, low-fat, high-anxiety diet once again.

But Laura is no longer that girl, though her mental image of herself retreats to that dark place whenever her anxiety starts to build. She can’t understand why, years after she has shed the weight and has built what she considers a healthy lifestyle, she remains stuck in a 16-year-old’s mind.

Speaking with may individuals who have lost a significant amount of weight, the disconnect between their new bodies and their old minds becomes strikingly apparent. Despite years upon years passing, many still describe themselves as feeling, at their core, like a fat pig.

Do memories of being overweight ever fade?

According to NPR’s Peter Sagal, the answer is no. Even physically fit as a 3:27 marathoner, he grapples with the concept of not being fat. “Mirrors are not to be believed,” he said in a Runner’s World piece. “You stand in front of them, knowing that you can’t trust yourself as an arbiter of truth, so you turn from side to side, thinking that maybe, if you snap your head around quickly enough, you can actually see yourself as others see you.”

Like Sagal, those who have become thin through regular and intense exercise often continue to feel that they are the mercy of their athletics. Sure I’m skinny, you’ll hear. But that’s because I run thirty miles a week. The implication of course is that if by some horrible stoke of luck  they weren’t able to exercise, they would return to the large life as quick as you can say tendonitis. They are, they believe, fat people in thin disguises.

Why is it so hard to adopt a new mental image of yourself? One reason might be that our brains are actually wired for distortion when it comes body image, as recent research suggests.

Another reason is that often the feelings associated with our body size are visceral – the transcend all reason and are rooted in a place far more powerful than intellect. Those who have found themselves struggling with weight, particularly as children, often form an identity around this. If not given other messages, we often learn, in part due to the weight discrimination rampant in our society, to approach others from a place of disempowerment and of shame.

At the heart of the matter is not fear of simply having an arbitrary numerical value on a scale rise again – it’s a fear of a loss of human connection, of feeling powerful and capable and strong, of rejection. And in an ironic twist of fate, fear and stress are connected to weight gain.

Learning to let go of a restrictive view of ourselves is a task for all of us – whether we have lost, gained, or maintained our weight throughout out lives. When the stories that have defined are lives are no longer working for us, it’s time to write new ones.

Have you ever found yourself caught in memories of a body you no longer have?

As one of my best friends is fond of saying, “Food is medicine.” Conversely, the wrong foods can be poisonous. While that may sound over-exaggerated, it’s been an accurate description of my struggles with food.

I’ve been accused of having all kinds of eating disorders, and the accusers include my family members, friends, and even doctors. It’s been painful to hear that I need to change the way I think and function when I haven’t done anything against my body. But they’ve been proven wrong. The issues that affect me aren’t eating disorders – they’re hyperthyroidism and acute sensitivity to specific foods, artificial colors, and preservatives.

Obviously, that’s not going to be true for the majority of people who struggle with food. But I’ve found that taking my medication and eliminating the offending foods from my diet hasn’t “healed” me completely. The turning point where my overall health began to improve noticeably was when I found the right way of eating for me.

In my case, the right diet means one that helps me gain weight to achieve my goal of surpassing the “normal” BMI for my height. Diets don’t have to be about counting calories and losing weight. They’re meant to help you get healthy, no matter what that means for you.

I’ve tried a number of eating plans recommended to me by doctors and friends, including Paleolithic, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegetarian, and vegan, but there was always something about each one that didn’t agree with my body. Fortunately, I came to the conclusion that my body is unique and deserves to be treated as such. How many people can really say that a generic diet is the best possible one to follow for their specific bodies? I know I can’t say that personally, so here’s how I figured out what to eat according to my body’s responses to food.

Unless you try new ways of eating, you’ll have a hard time identifying foods that are healthy and unhealthy for your own body. I tried one way after another, as recommended by doctors, and when I still didn’t feel healthy, I started to alter those diets based on others I had read about or heard about from friends. For example, I was told by one doctor to go gluten-free and, about a year later, a second doctor added dairy-free to the mix. With both gluten and dairy eliminated, I began to feel better, but I knew there were more adjustments to be made to feel my best.

I always felt sick after eating red meat, so I stopped eating it and made sure I got enough iron from my multivitamin to compensate for that change. I took it even farther by trying veganism, which definitely didn’t give my body everything it needed. I backed off to vegetarianism, but still struggled to get enough protein. I discovered that I needed meat to comfortably get enough protein each day. Now, I mostly rely on eggs and seafood for my protein, but I also eat chicken occasionally. I’ve never felt better, but I don’t know of any generic diet out there that includes every aspect of my own eating pattern.

My doctors and unique diet have helped me get healthier, but I’m not going to stop listening to my body. I know that everything can change and that I need to be prepared to respond when my body reacts to something in my diet. That’s been the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my three-year journey toward eating well: my body is the expert and I can’t afford to ignore it. Paying attention to your body isn’t a waste of time; it’s a wise investment in your future health.

If you’re interested in developing your own unique diet, I would recommend seeing a dietician or other nutrition specialist. This type of professional can help you find a good starting point and make sure that dieting is helping you rather than hurting you. Once you start learning more about what your body does and doesn’t want or need, you can build a healthy diet accordingly and start enjoying the benefits of eating well. No matter how long it takes, it’s well worth the time investment and inconvenience. Your body will thank you.

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education where recently she’s been researching the highest paying degrees versus the lowest paying degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

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{Image Credit :: Flickr}

Have you heard?

It’s Healthy Weight Week!

So what is a healthy weight?

To me, it’s the one that you achieve when you stop dieting, eat food you love, exercise for fun and health, and fall in love with your body (even your belly!). It’s the weight at which you feel your strongest, best self. And it usually has nothing to do with a flashing number on a scale.

Healthy Weight Week – now in it’s 18th year! – was created to celebrate healthy non-diet lifestyles that can prevent eating disorders and weight problems. This week, individuals are encouraged to improve their health not by going on a fad diet or cutting out a food group, but rather by eating well, living actively, and building your body esteem.

In honor of this fabulous week, Nourishing the Soul is celebrating by asking YOU to weigh in…

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How do you define a healthy weight?

**Please, be creative and don’t use numbers!

Whether it’s from an eating disorder, years of disordered eating, or a lifetime of chronic and chaotic dieting, recovery is long and arduous battle. As the adage goes, the first step is simply – though it is not always simple – acknowledging that you want your life to be different in some important way. The next few steps on the winding journey involve building awareness of the factors that have led you down this path and working to adjust them by shifting the way you experience your thoughts and feelings and altering your behaviors.

As we progress further on our journey, many of us begin to get a bit comfortable. We’ve made some major changes in our lives and can and should feel immensely proud of those changes. We may be eating regular meals for the first time in our lives, have eliminated binging, or have developed a healthier relationship with our bodies. These gifts deserve all of our adulation. But, the work doesn’t stop there.

In talking to individuals who have are in recovery from disordered eating or have finally gotten off the diet rollercoaster, what you’ll often find is traces of a life where food was the enemy. Flashing glimpses of body-shame, obsession, and anxiety emerge if you dig just a bit below the surface.

A seasoned expert recently said that true recovery takes five to seven years. This may seem like a long time to those who have worked hard to live a more joyful and free life (and truly each individual is different), but shifting a mindset that has often been built on a lifetime of unhealthy thought patterns takes time. And even more importantly, it takes awareness.

Living a life free of disordered eating means asking yourself why you are making the choices you are. It means peeling back the layers of things that are habit and comfortable and exploring what those things bring up for you.

Here I’m going to share a list with you of common traits, practices, and thought patterns that are often the “last to go.” (This list was compiled with the help of Margarita, Christie, Joy, Karen, and Mara.) Often these things hold on until the very end of a recovery, sometimes only arising to the surface of awareness when a trusted friend points them out or you experience an “aha!” moment.

Common “Last To Go” Signs

1. Eating the same meals daily, or regularly, without variation.

2. Using a very small or very large amount of condiments (e.g. salad dressing, ketchup, hot sauce, butter).

3. Exercising more on days when you have had or expect to have a larger meal, dessert, etc.

4. Avoiding certain social functions that involve food.

5. Packing your own food when attending events (with the exception of having a food allergy, etc.).

6. Maintaining a vegetarian, vegan, or other diet that restricts certain types of food.

7. Becoming upset if you are unable to work out on occasion.

8. Wanting to be the last to finish your meal.

9. Eating very quickly or very slowly.

10. Frequently choosing to eat alone.

11. Eating while engaged in television, work, or other distractions.

12. Only eating at certain times or after a certain number of hours.

13. Using food as a reward, such as waiting to eat until you finish a task despite being hungry.

14. Engaging in other restrictive behaviors, such as not allowing yourself to buy something that you need and want (and can afford).

15. Lying to other people in any capacity about your eating or exercise.

16. Pushing yourself during exercise in a mean and threatening way – or hiring someone to do it for you.

17. Putting off eating in order to “get things done.”

18. Scheduling events around food and using it as justification for eating more.

19. Only eating at certain restaurants.

20. Weighing yourself regularly.

21. Not wearing certain clothing items that you like out of fear.

22. Buying low-fat, low-calorie, low-carb or only “health” products.

23. Using artificial sweetener.

24. Holding on to your “skinny jeans.”

25. Having rules or patterns around eating meals.

26. Not keeping certain foods in your home that others may enjoy.

27. Destroying food in any way.

28. Chewing gum or eating mints frequently to stave off hunger.

29. Engaging in fat-talk.

30. Loading up your schedule to avoid free time.

31. Getting in arguments over food with friends or family.

32. Turning down birthday cake (when you want it!).

33. Commenting on other people’s eating habits.

34. Frequently seeking approval from others.

35. Reading blogs that don’t promote a healthy balance.

It is important to note that not all of these behaviors will indicate a problem for every individual. There are potentially healthy reasons for many of them. But for some individuals, they will signal that there is more work to be done. Behaviors themselves often tell us very little. Instead, it’s the thoughts and feelings driving those behaviors that need to be explored.

Living an authentic life means continually asking yourself why you are doing the things you are, devoting your time the way you do, and making the choices you make. And if you discover that you are still struggling, it doesn’t diminish at all the work that you may have already done to live a healthier life. It simply means that you may need more support.