{image credit :: audrey sue via pinterest}

My husband and I recently began working our way through Suze Orman’s self-help guide to financial freedom. With more than a little student loan debt (grad school don’t come cheap!), we were wanted to ensure that we were most wisely planning for our financial future.

I personally think Suze Orman is brilliant, witty, and intuitive (sensing the crush I have?), so I was willing to do about anything she suggested. One of the first exercises in the workbook asked us to spend some time reflecting on our financial histories. Specifically, she wanted us to go back to childhood and think about our first memories of money and the beliefs, assumptions, and feelings that originated there. Having dreaded doing a workbook on money matters, I was relieved at this task. Deep psychological exploration? This I could handle!

Despite a smidge of initial skepticism (Memories, my husband questioned? Where does this book talk about our 401k options?), we took the plunge and started talking about early memories of money. While we come from very similar upbringings in terms of economic status, the ways that our families (and eventually we) thought about money were very different. Suddenly, so many of the disagreements that we have today about money (which, maybe surprisingly, aren’t many) came into clearer focus. We weren’t just disagreeing on how to allocate retirement savings – we were (subconsciously) talking about some of our deepest insecurities and fears.

As I started digging into my own financial formation, I began to think about just how much matters of money affect and reflect our relationships with food and ourselves. As a psychologist who treats eating disorders, it’s interesting to me to see these connections play out for my patients as well.

It’s not uncommon for someone who restricts their food to restrict their spending as well. Oftentimes I understand these behaviors as intimately tied to one another – a person will describe feeling unworthy to eat or consume, whether it’s food or material items. They might spend money on others, but they will rewear tattered clothing, deny themselves typical “splurges,” and in general avoid taking for themselves. In my understanding, the root of these behaviors lies squarely on the issue of shame. Can I be seen? Do I deserve? Am I okay?

For most individuals, a pattern of dietary restriction isn’t sustainable in the long-run. Eventually, they engage in binge eating because their bodies and minds are so ravaged from a period of restriction and starvation. This pattern happens almost identically with spending. If we deny ourselves buying the things we want and need for so long, eventually we “crack” and buy something we’re not even sure we want, oftentimes spending more than we had previously saved. A personal example was when I had agreed to not buy new clothes for a year in order to save money (I admittedly had a pretty full closet). Within the first two weeks, I found myself on online retailers and Pinterest looking at new fashions – things I never did before! It reminded me of the Minnesota starvation experiment when men were restricted food intake for many weeks. Soon the men started exhibited a significant preoccupation with food, reporting dreaming about it, imagining it, playing with it when it was available. The lesson? Restriction doesn’t work! And the resulting feelings of shame and self-blame when one “breaks down” then just perpetuate the cycle.

What this all means is that if you struggle with your relationship food, you might also want to take a closer look at your finances as well. Notice if you can find similar patterns emerging, and if you might benefit from some professional guidance.

Do you see your relationship with food being connected to your relationship with money?

Dear NTS:

I was very overweight as a child, and in high school I developed an eating disorder. I also used to self-injure.  Fortunately I’m healthy now.

I’m about three months into a relationship, or the start of a relationship with a very nice guy, and I’d like some insight into how my issues and past issues may come up in the relationship, and how I might best address things to avoid problems. I think, for instance, that although I do not engage in disordered eating or self-injury now, a) some of the causes of these separate issues are similar or overlap and b) some of those causes might still come up in my life and possibly affect my relationship (all relationships, potentially) in a negative way.  An example: I have more anxiety than the average person, I often take responsibility or blame for situations that aren’t in fact my fault, and I like what is probably a higher level of order/control over things than most people. All of these characteristics can potentially affect a relationship very negatively, and they do not seem on the surface to be related to eating issues (but I believe they are).

I realize issues very specifically related to eating and body image issues may come up – weird eating habits, concern about how I look – which I’m a little more comfortable dealing with than the others.

Any insight?

Curious Reader

[Please Note: This post is not meant as a direct communication with any single person.]

Your experience and intuition has informed you well, and you’ve recognized something that it often takes individuals a very a long time to unravel – eating issues and relationship issues are intricately interconnected.

It’s important to note addressing the serious (and often life-threatening) symptoms of an eating disorder is vital. You mentioned that you are healthy now, and I hope that you feel truly proud of having recovered from the abuse of food and from self-injury. That is no small feat. Getting those behaviors under control is necessary to have the emotional and mental wherewithal to take on other issues in one’s life as well. That said, I believe that the insight that you are looking for is important in remaining well and involved in healthy, connected relationships.

In her truly transformative work, Gaining, Aimee Liu talks about how life after eating disorders can be fraught with remnants of the disordered past, especially if these issues aren’t addressed as part of the recovery process. She talks specifically about how some individuals who have recovered from eating disorders at times continue to struggle with issues that previously took the shape and color of food, but now show up in other forms. One of these can be relationship difficulties.

This is not to say that all people with eating disorders have tenuous relationships. Far from it, in fact. But as you astutely acknowledge, issues like perfectionism, control, and self-blame, when standing in the center of an interaction between human beings, can create struggle.

One of the major issues that I observe in individuals with a history of these struggles is having a weakened and fragile sense of self. Perhaps it has broken down through years – or a single instance – of trauma. Perhaps the eating disorder itself ravaged it. Perhaps – for whatever reason – it was not fully developed to start. Regardless, entering into a relationship with another human being without a sense of one’s self that is secure and grounded can lead to a great amount of strife. For some, this shows up as giving everything to the person, and ignoring their own needs and desires. For others, it’s creating and keeping secrets to prevent intimacy. For others, it’s reacting to demonstrations of affection with anger.  For others, it’s feeling terrified of becoming vulnerable enough to develop a real connection.

Recovering from an eating disorder means creating a sense of self – one that is deep and rich and complex. Eating disorders – and self-injury and substance abuse and long periods of isolation – cover over this self and dull its color. It becomes flat and sterile. Love and relationships can breathe life into the self, but they cannot sustain it alone. That’s why it’s so important to do ongoing work to build this self in the context of relationships and outside of them as well.

One of the most important keys to a healthy relationship is being able to identify and express emotions, and feeling secure in sharing these with another person. For individuals who have a history of using destructive behaviors to express what they could not, it’s important to develop the tools to do this in a healthy and productive way. This often takes hard work, therapy, and lots of practice!

The bottom line is that body image issues, disordered thoughts about food, feelings of depression and anxiety – they are all going to come up in relationships. [If your partner is struggling - or you are and you want your partner to know how to help, check out this post.] They do for all of no matter our past! What signals a healthy relationship is one in which those feelings can be explored and validated in way that feels safe. If that’s not the case, it might be worth talking to a professional.

Have a question that you think others might be wondering about as well? Email it to nourishingthesoulblog [at] gmail [dot] com. Please remember that this site is no way a replacement for consultation with a mental health professional. Assessing your individual situation and needs should be done by someone who knows your situation and is specially trained to work with you.

I’m honored to share with you today a guest post from psychotherapist, Joanna Poppink, MFT, who recently authored, Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder. She has been gracious enough to share some thoughtful and practical insights on finding a path of nourishment for NTS readers. I hope that you will enjoy her post as much as I did.

6 detours; 6 destinations; 6 possible discoveries

Everything related to your eating disorder creates big DETOUR signs for your energy and takes you away from the healing soul nourishment you need for recovery and a fulfilling life. Eating disorder behaviors and thoughts are grim. Soul nourishment is inspiring and joyful. Get ready to have some fun.

By giving yourself an hour or two a day (or less) that you commit to an exploratory adventure, you can discover clues to your authentic center. You begin an enjoyable and worthwhile aspect of your journey to eating disorder recovery.

Eating disorders are distracting detours that lead away from your center. They envelope your mind, distort your perceptions and fuel rigid thought patterns. They shroud your awareness of your humanity.

However, the inescapable fact is, regardless of your awareness or lifestyle, you are a human being being. Therefore you have deep emotions. You can forget. You can remember. You can be inspired.

Disregarding your eating disorder detours allow you to search for forgotten clues your soul has left for you to find. Beyond your familiar detours you can find what you postponed so thoroughly that you forgot you even cared.

Energy detours:

1. Self criticism at the scale and mirror

2. Self criticism at clothes sizes

3. Binge planning

4. Hiding your restricting

5. Diving into a binge purge episode

6. Pouring out energy on the treadmill

These activities take up energy you could be using on a soul discovery adventure.

You need a topographical map for your journey beyond the detours. On this map you see the layout of the land but not the names of what you will discover. That’s what makes it an adventure. Your map is your plan. Make a list of simple areas to explore.

Areas to Explore:

1. Closets – on the floor, the back of shelves and jammed hangers.

2. Book shelves – especially the dusty ones

3. Cupboards – especially the back

4. Drawers – desk, kitchen, bedroom, office – go deep.

5. Storage boxes wherever they may be – attic, garage, storage unit, friend’s or parents houses.

6. Journals, diaries, letters and memories of people you don’t see anymore.

Possible Discoveries:

1. A faded newspaper clipping about a play you saw or meant to see. It reminds you or how much you enjoy live theater. Nourishment: attend professional and local community theatricals. Take a class in improv. Volunteer to help at schools and senior community centers in putting on shows.

2, A catalog of continuing education classes. Nourishment: thumb through the pages for a class teaching a loved or intriguing subject or skill dear to your heart. E.g. gardening, astronomy, history of your home town or ethnic origins.

3. A book you wanted to read before you died but still haven’t read. Nourishment: read it. Maybe it’s a Shakespeare play or a Tolstoy novel. Maybe it’s the best science fiction of the golden age of SF. It could be Yeats poetry or the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Now is the time to go for it.

4. Art supplies in the back of a cupboard, unused, and waiting for your creative life to re emerge. Nourishment: Unpack them. Set them up so you can easily do a little something during the course of a normal day. It could be as simple as leaving a sketch pad and pencil on a counter or table in full view.

5. Unused gardening tools. Nourishment: remember what you plans were. Find away to use those tools in the ground or a pot. Plant the old dream you can still make come true.

6. Photographs of people you love. Nourishment: If they have died, find a way to honor the significance they had and still have in your life. If they are alive, find a way to reconnect.

Discovering what you have neglected or endlessly postponed can bring up guilt or rueful feelings. But you can move through these emotional detours as you discover what genuinely inspires you. You learn how your own human psyche finds a way to keep what nourishes you tucked away and safe. It may be hidden in the recesses of your mind and home, but it is present somewhere. It awaits your awareness and attention to bring it forward from behind the eating disorder barriers and into your life.

As you nourish your authentic loves, your eating disorder detours fade. You discover that you have fun living your life free of your eating disorder and governed by the joy in your soul.

Joanna is a psychotherapist specializing in eating disorder recovery, lecturer, and author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: Recovering from Your Eating Disorder. To read more from Joanna, check out her website where she shares more thoughtful insights on recovery and building a life outside of eating disorders.

If you would like to enter for a chance to win a copy of her book, leave a comment below letting us know where you find nourishment for your soul. For another way to enter, tweet, facebook, or share this post on your site and leave a comment below letting us know you did. No entry limit, and the winners will be contacted directly once chosen.

{image via pinterest; originally found at The Quilted Castle}

Despite having been one half of hundreds of therapeutic relationships over the years, I work hard to remember that for many individuals who sit down in my office, this could be the first time that they’ve entered into this experience.

I recognize that making the decision to go to therapy isn’t an easy one. It usually comes on the heels of deciding that something significant in one’s life isn’t working as she thought it should. Sometimes what isn’t working is incredibly profound, and touches nearly all aspects of her life. Or it may seem on the surface to be minor, trivial even – but hits on such valued parts of an individual’s life so as to push them into my office. Whatever the reason that someone decides to enter treatment, it’s a big decision and one that is never taken lightly.

So if you’re that person – you’ve decided to allow a trusted professional to help you make important changes in your life – you might want to know what to expect. While sitting down in a stranger’s chair is never easy, per se, being armed with an understanding of the process is key to developing the trust that is vital to the process.

Here’s what you can – and should – expect when starting therapy:

1. You’ll be asked why you’re there. It may sound obvious, but the therapist will want to get a thorough understanding of what brings you to treatment. Even if you’ve alluded to “relationship issues” on the phone, he will want to hear in your own words (and in more detail) how you think about the problem, and why you’ve chosen to get help now. Even if you think that certain parts are irrelevant, share them. It helps the therapist to help you if he has a richer context in which to understand the issue that concerns you.

2. You’ll be told about your rights as a patient. The therapist will spend some time letting you know about what you can expect from her and the process of therapy. She’ll likely explain that you can expect your information to remain confidential and secure, unless you are at risk of seriously hurting yourself or someone else. She should generally also let you know things like her fees, cancellation policy, how you can access your records, and more. The specifics will be based on the laws of your area and the specifics of her profession.

3. You’ll learn about the nature of the therapy relationship. The therapeutic relationship is quite different than other relationships that we are used to. When you think about it, it can actually seem a little strange. You’re pouring your heart out to a person who just met you recently and you know nothing about. But certain therapeutic boundaries are in place for a reason. You should be able to trust that you will not have to take care of your therapist’s needs and feelings. You’ll learn, likely quickly, what your therapist’s style is when it comes to this. Some may disclose some personal information about themselves, and you’ll need to decide what you feel comfortable with.

4. You’ll learn about the therapist’s approach. There are more styles and approaches of therapy than we could possibly discuss here, but they often fall along a continuum of directiveness. Some therapists will take a more active approach, asking you to do things like monitor and challenge thoughts and feelings and experiment with changing your behavior. Others will spend time helping you to develop insight into your patterns of functioning and work to provide a new relationship experience via the therapy itself. Others will do a bit of both. While it’s not always important to know precisely how things are working (in fact, it can sometimes steer you off course to get caught up in the details), you should check in with yourself to determine how comfortable you are with the therapist’s style.

5. You’ll be invited to ask your own questions. I encourage you to use this space to really be a savvy consumer. Questions that can be helpful to ask include: What kind of license do you have to practice? Do you have a supervisor or will you be consulting about my case? Have you worked with others who have my issue? What can I expect from therapy? Can I call you between sessions if I need to? How will I know if things are improving? If the therapist avoids these questions or doesn’t give you the answers you are looking for, I suggest proceeding cautiously.

It’s important to remember that the effectiveness of therapy is based heavily (very heavily, in fact) on the therapeutic relationship, so it’s vital to feel a good fit is in place. If you don’t initially, however, that might not mean the therapist isn’t for you; it could mean that you need to give the process time. Unless there is a significant issue, I always encourage patients to give a therapy relationship at least a few weeks for trust and rapport to develop. If these things don’t happen, I urge you to seek a therapist who will meet your needs. Remember, this is your treatment and your mental health.

If you’ve been to therapy, what has your experience been like? What would you ask a new therapist?