{image via pinterest} 

We all need someone to believe in us.

It sounds like a line from a sappy ballad, but it makes the sentiment no less true.

Studies of people who overcome difficult circumstances point time and time again to the crucial nature of social support. This means that people who are the most successful at making positive changes and surviving challenges are the ones who can identify a positive support network around them.

It’s true from people dealing with depression to death of a partner to cancer to eating disorders to infertility to divorce. These troubling events and conditions can bring a person to his or her knees, but can be overcome, research tells us, if a person is supported. In fact, we can thrive and grow from these experiences if the right conditions are in place.

What’s so interesting though is that many of these studies are actually looking at a construct called perceived social support. This is distinct from received social support in that the people in the studies are being asked how supported they feel, rather than researchers actually assessing how much support they are getting regularly.This is an important distinction because it turns out the many of the positive effects of social support can be garnered just from believing yourself to be supported, regardless of whether someone is actually wiping away your tears. Maybe an imaginary shoulder is as sturdy to lean on as a real one?

This isn’t to say that we can all live in fantasy land and forgo our efforts at building a tangible support network. But it does suggest that creating a feeling of support around us could potentially be within our control – even when it seems other people aren’t.

One way of doing this is to — and don’t laugh — build your dream team of social support. And I mean DREAM!

In a recent article in O Magazine, life coach Martha Beck mentioned that when she needed positive voices to infuse all the negative chatter in your brain, she first turned to famous people she admired, like a 2500-year-old Chinese philospopher. Eventually, she was able to identify people she knew personally; in the meantime, however, her old philosopher helped to defeat her inner critic.

In the same way, we can create start with our own fictional – but no less real, in terms of benefit – support group. Mine would include people like Maya Angelou, Jonathan Safran Foer, and Ellen DeGeneres. When we’re feeling hopeless, helpless, and insecure, we can take a virtual trip to our support group and garner what we need. Maybe it’s inspiration, maybe it’s information, or maybe it’s a good laugh. Think about what you need from others when you’re struggling. Who do you admire that can give that to you even when no one’s around.

If I’m having trouble visualizing how my imaginary support group might respond to my situation, I might need to bring them to life – whether that’s through their books, movies, or interviews, or it’s by doing something to connect with their wisdom, like writing a letter.

It might sound silly, but the ultimate goal of support systems – real or imagined – is to internalize the sense of confidence that they inspire. Whether this comes from Oscar the Grouch or your friend Sheryl might not matter.

Who would you elect to your dream team support group and why?

I’ve had it with my patients. I’ve had it with my parents. I’ve definitely had it with my friends. It’s the exchange that goes like this:

Them: I’m so frustrated that I couldn’t [insert: overcome my eating disorder, become a better listener, lower my blood pressure, learn Chinese, be more romantic, stop biting my nails]!

Me: And why do you think that was the case?

Them: I know exactly. It’s because I was never truly doing it for me. I was always doing it for [insert: romantic partner, family member, boss, the trial judge].

Me: Oh. (said in a profoundly empathic way, with a few nods of the head).

My head nodding has was always genuine because I got it. You can’t make changes, real changes, without really wanting it. For yourself. Right?

I have to admit I’ve bought into this idea over the course of my life. And maybe it’s well-founded at times. Internal motivation is nothing to sneeze at.

But sometimes I think we use the idea that change has to be for us as, well, an excuse. We believe that if we haven’t truly summoned the will to change, it can’t work, and so there’s really no point in bothering with the whole shenanigan anyway.

Take eating disorder recovery, for instance, since it’s something in which I’m daily immersed. There’s a familiar refrain among not just patients, but other professionals too, that says: It’s not working because I’m (they’re) not doing it for myself (themselves). I’m (he/she’s) doing it because everyone else wants me (him/her) to.

Because I work mostly with adults rather than children currently, I agree that self-directed motivation is important for long-term recovery. [In the case of children, things get a little bit more tricky…] Individuals do have to want long-term recovery for themselves in order to sustain the immensely hard work that the process entails. Fighting against every urge in one’s being to engage in an eating disorder is much harder over time if the person doesn’t believe in him- or herself or his or her ability to do it.

But (and you knew that was coming), I do not think that means that recovery cannot at least start out for someone else. Here’s the thing – many individuals with eating disorders struggle with major issues around worthiness. They often believe that there is something inherently wrong, defective, or less than about them, and so the idea of taking care of themselves is foreign and, at times, abhorrent. So to imagine engaging in treatment – something that many even feel is indulgent due to these issues – feels awful.

If there is a relationship in their lives, however, that is important enough to them to even nudge them into recovery, I see that as a major point in their column. Individual: 1, Eating Disorder: 0.

When it comes down to it, all change has to start with a value, something we want for ourselves. We don’t just stop biting our nails because we stop enjoying it or it stops serving it’s purpose of relieving stress or boredom. We stop (when and if we do) because something else is more important. It could be the photographs that will be taken at our pending nuptials, our reputation among our co-workers who give us weird looks for our gritty little nails, or the fact that we realize that dealing with stress in this way is not particularly effective. Or, it could be because it irritates our partner to hell and we care enough about that person that we don’t want them to be irritated all the time.

The final reason is not a bad one, despite the bad rap that it often gets. We use the fact that we won’t or can’t change for someone else as a badge of honor or self-esteem. Hell, no, I won’t cut my hair for him!

But what if he actually has a worthy opinion, being outside my own head and all?

The fact is that relationships take compromise, and sometimes they are just the impetus we need to make healthier and better choices in our lives. Relationships can push us to do things we never thought we would – or wanted to – do, and sometimes with really great results. Wow, maybe I do look better with short hair… 

Of course, we have to manage our expectations — we can’t make another person love us or love us more with our choices. We can’t change into something that they approve of if the issues are deeper and less resolved. But sometimes, just sometimes, we can change for someone else. If we love them – and, ultimately, ourselves – enough to do so.

{image via pinterest}

There’s so much amazing stuff going on around here at NTS, sometimes it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it all! I’ve been feeling so blessed to be launching some great, and hopefully inspiring, new things like the Start Write Now Series and (hint! hint!) soon the 2012 Nourishing Body Image Awards.

My mind hasn’t stopped though, and I want to introduce you to another new series that is kicking off right now. It’s called If You Really Knew Me.

Here’s what it’s all about: It’s a series of guest posts in which contributors share a personal story or aspect of their lives with NTS readers. It’s a double opportunity; a chance for the writer to share something true and real about themselves that perhaps they don’t find themselves talking about openly and a chance for us as readers to bear witness to another’s narrative and expand our own sense of understanding and empathy.

What it really comes down to is sharing our truths, and giving readers a forum to do so. There’s nothing that I love more than being honored with the opportunity to hear someone else’s journey (hence the whole therapist thing, I guess), and I think many of you can and will relate. We can learn so much from connecting with one another in this way.

If You Really Knew Me is about stepping out of the shadows and reclaiming your voice through narrative. Should you choose to participate, you can write your post in any way that you choose. You can write a list, a story, or just wax poetic about something important in your life. It can be about overcoming self-hatred, coming out, feeling jealous of your sister, struggling to get pregnant, being secretly bankrupt — whatever you want the world to know more about. The only requirement is that your post is honest and heartfelt and answers: If you really knew me, you would know… 

You do not have to share your name or any identifying information. You also don’t have to be a blogger. Simply drop me an email including your submission at nourishingthesoulblog [at] gmail [dot] com and let me know what (if anything) you want shared about your identity. I do reserve the right to not publish any post that is I feel could be harmful to readers. All that said, I will be so honored to read your truth. I hope that you will share it.

{image credit : afgfitness via pinterest}

A few months back, I read a post over on Psychology Today by the woman who fearlessly reminds us to have our cake and eat it too (damnit!), Kate Fridkis. She wrote about observing that skinny woman at the gym, the one who you just know has an eating disorder, and not being able to say anything. She ends the piece,

But to the extent that we still tiptoe nervously around eating disorders and pretend we don’t see them when they are right in front of us, something needs to change. Otherwise, how can we keep going back to the gym, and watching women fade around us? And won’t it be that much easier to quietly start skipping meals ourselves? Knowing that first people will say, “Oh, you’ve lost some weight! Good for you!” And then a few of our mothers and best friends will say, “I’m worried about you.” And after that, no one will say anything at all.

We’ve all seen here there, pounding the treadmill like our grandmothers beat down the dough that was to become our bread. It doesn’t look like she’s had any of that bread in a while. In fact, it doesn’t look like she’s subsisting on anything more than water and the occasional carrot.

So what do you do when you see a stranger with an eating disorder?

Well, the first thing you do is recognize that you actually have no idea if that person has an eating disorder.

Eating disorders don’t just look like the emaciated woman on the treadmill. They can also look like your neighbor, Sarah, who’s eight months pregnant. Or like your teacher, Paula, who most people remark could stand to lose a few pounds. Or like your cousin, Rich, who can no longer sit on regular furniture due to fear of injuring himself. Or like your friend, Amy, who looks just the same as she always has.

We cannot simply look at an individual at know if they struggle with an eating disorder. That would certainly make it easier for those of us whose job it is to tell! But the truth is that we don’t know what’s up unless we understand a number of other factors, like the person’s eating patterns, their perception of their own body, their desire and attempts to control their weight, and much more.

We all know someone who has lost weight following surgery, due to an illness, or related to stress or depression. We all also know someone who has gained weight following surgery, due to an illness, or related to stress or depression. This doesn’t mean that the person wouldn’t potentially benefit from psychological help, but they wouldn’t necessarily be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

The other side of this sticky coin is that many of those who have struggled with disordered eating are very attuned to the signs of a potential eating disorder. Some of the red flags include frequently hiding or eating food secretively, having bloodshot eyes and puffy cheeks, growing fine hair all over the body, doing strange things with food (like mixing items together that seem odd or tearing food apart into little pieces), and isolating from the people that they love. Hypothetically, all of these signs could mean a number of things. But for those with experience having an eating disorder or working with those that do, they send off flares in the brain.

Still, however, we usually don’t have the opportunity to observe whether the girl at the gym is hiding food under her bed or has disconnected from her friends. All we know is that she looks very thin and not so healthy. We don’t want her to die, perhaps especially if our own lives have been touched by the pain of an eating disorder. So what do we do?

Do we leave her a note telling her that we know what she’s going through and a place she can get help? Do we talk to the management of the gym about her compulsive exercise and tell them that they need to address this? Do we wait at her car and stage an intervention? Do we leave her alone and hope for the best? Do we tell ourselves we have no idea what’s going on and try to focus on our own lives?

This is a sticky situation, and I suspect that there are lots of different feelings about what to do. I’m going to go ahead and say that there is no one right answer. There’s only what you think you would do, which is what I want to know.

Thanks for taking the poll if you did, but be sure to also comment below and get the conversation going.

What do you do when you think a stranger has an eating disorder?