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For inspiration for this post, I have Kelly Clarkson’s anthem blaring in the background. I have to admit, it’s both catchy and empowering – a lethal combination in my musical book.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

Rock on, sister…

What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

What makes this song so powerful, in my estimation, is that it utilizes a pretty pervasive cultural ideal and makes it pop. It’s adds a bit more life to the idea since it was originally stated by philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche as “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

My own experience has been that people will use this phrase as a means of consolation. As a society, we’re fairly uncomfortable with other people’s pain, or our own for that matter (see here and here for elaboration). So, we say things like “it’ll all be okay in the end” or “everything happens for a reason,” or “what doesn’t kill you…” to try to both ease the heartache of another person and obscure the idea that pain could exist just because it exists.

Sometimes it’s something that we tell ourselves. We want to believe that our pain serves a greater function, that some good can arise from the ashes of our suffering. I’ll admit that I’ve reminded myself of this idea many times after a tragedy or hardship rocked me. And to be honest, it’s helped to bolster my sense of potency and self-esteem. In fact, I often look back on the difficult moments on my life collectively and think that these junctures shaped me as a strong and independent person.

Could it be, though, that I would be strong and independent without enduring these struggles? That’s a chicken and egg question that I’ll never be able to answer definitively for myself. However, there are researchers looking at what happens when people suffer trauma and hardship.

What the researchers have found is that difficult situations do enhance individuals’ ability to cope with future life stressors, at least to a point. In classic Goldilocks fashion, researchers note that those with the best ability to cope are individuals who have experienced some turmoil, while those who have experienced none or a lot are at a disadvantage.

So it looks like adversity is beneficial in the right amounts. If you skate through most of life with minimal obstacles, you never learn how navigate around or through the ones that inevitably crop up. This might explain why we see so many children who completely melt down when asked to share a toy. They’ve never learned how to regulate and manage difficult emotions that arise with things like frustration and disappointment. On the other hand, a person who’s dealt a heavy hand of tragedy might have their resources completely tapped. Their system is literally overwhelmed by the stress of what they endure and stops functioning properly. They might become immobilized when more stress emerges.

So what we know is that this issue is complex. We have not really defined the “optimal” amount of stress, and I think that varies greatly depending on individual factors, like personality, temperament, and resilience. It also depends heavily on the amount of social support a person has when in the grip of something difficult.

What we do know is that trying to make meaning out of suffering helps us to create coherent narratives of our lives, and this leads to us feeling more fulfilled, content, and healthy. So if you want to say that whatever kills you makes you stronger, be my guest. You could even sing it!

{on bloglovin, via pinterest}

I’m beyond honored to get to share this guest post by Mara Glatzel, as she is the queen of self-love in my eyes. Without further ado…

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We’ve all seen the movies or TV shows – there she sits, all alone, without a date for Valentine’s Day, wallowing in a nest of chocolates and chick flicks, while her mascara runs all over her face as she cries.

Because she’s sad, right? Of course.

Because it’s Valentine’s Day and it is crucial to have a super romantic lovefest on Valentine’s Day.

Now, I love Valentine’s Day. I love an opportunity to skip around and hand out love letters. I love the permission to wear both pink and red, at the same time. However, the dark underbelly of such a holiday is the correlation between romantic love and happiness, as if you are only whole if you’ve got someone to love you. This is not going to be that kind of Valentine’s Day post.

This is the kind of post where we talk about you crazy awesome you are and all of the wonderful things that you can do today to celebrate your awesomeness. This is a call to action kind of blog post, designed to make you feel like jumping up out of your chair and running to do something that makes YOU feel loved and cared for.

Activities to Improve Feelings of Self-Love

1. Random act of kindness: Make a valentine, cover it in glitter, and magazine clippings. Collage to your hearts content. Make ten valentines if you are so inclined, and spend the rest of the day handing them out to strangers, putting them under windshields, and giving them them to the person bagging your groceries.

2. Treat yourself to a deluxe spa day, or whip up a DIY face mask out of stuff in your cabinets. Take a bath, luxuriate in the shower for an extra ten minutes, give yourself a mani/pedi, or buy yourself the brand new moisturizer that you’ve been pining after that smells like roses. The crucial aspect of this activity is carving out time in your day to treat yourself to something special, and to focus on not feeling remotely guilty about putting your phone on silent and spending time on YOU.

3. Move your body. I know that it’s February, and that for many of us that means it’s too cold to run around outside all afternoon. However, making an effort to get your blood pumping and endorphins circulating can make you feel all sparkly and new, despite the cold weather. Take it as an opportunity to go to that new yoga class, or try out something new, like Nia, which can be a great way to sweat a little and get comfortable in your skin.

4. Tell someone that you love them, without expecting anything in return. Give a present, without wanting to get one back. Do something kind for someone else, just for the sake of how it feels in YOUR heart to do it. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Call up your best friend and leave them a this is why you’re amazing and thank you so much for everything voicemail.  Write your favorite blogger/writer/artist a fan email. Thank your teacher profusely for how much they’ve taught you. Do it because of how it makes you feel.

The important element in all of these activities is the the emphasis on self-care and putting yourself first. Now, you might say, it makes me feel awesome to sit on my couch and eat chocolate while watching Bridget Jones Diary, which, well, is hard to argue with. However, I challenge you to think about how you feel during the activities that you do today – do you feel energized? excited? enthusiastic? Do you feel like you can accomplish anything that you put your mind to? Does it make you feel like you are worth loving? Does it make you feel happy to be in the skin that you’re in?

Because that’s the feeling that we’re shooting for today, and you are oh so worth it.

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Mara Glatzel is the highly caffeinated maven behind the body image + authentic living blog, Medicinal Marzipan. If you enjoyed this post, catch up with her (almost) daily body-loving antics and general rabble-rousing on facebook, twitter, or shoot her an email at medicinalmarzipan {at} gmail {dot} com.

If you’ve been trolling the internet since the turn of the new year, or you’re a member of the human race and don’t live in a remote village in Uganda (and  maybe even then), you’ve been a victim of resolution overload. You’ve heard that your mother-in-law plans to lose the wiggle in her arms (despite how cute you assure her it is) and you’re co-worker is resolved to bike to work four times per week.

You? Maybe you’re just trying to get through the next hour. I know I am.

And that’s where intentions come in. Unlike resolutions, or even goals, intentions allow you to create a shift right now. They focus us away from our desired future outcome and back to our present sense of being in this moment. Intentions are filled with what is most important to us — they draw upon our values and align them with a shift that we can make today. If you’re ready to dig in a bit further, remember these important points in setting an intention.

{via pinterest; orginally from dustjacket}

 1 – Intentions are stated in the present tense.

We’re refocusing our gaze from the horizon back to our own heart. We state our intention as if it is true. We know that our words are incredibly powerful, and thus we our actually having a powerful effect on reality by asserting what we are working on cultivating. For example, rather than saying, “I feel anxious, and I don’t want to feel that anymore,” we want to say, “I feel calm and in control.” Do you really feel calm in that moment of anxiety? Maybe not totally, but calmness is a piece of your truth in that moment (you’re not so not calm that you are unable to set the intention, right?). Stating your intention in this way allows you to grow your own power to direct your reality.

2 – Intentions have no use for judgment.

This is true when it comes to judging ourselves and others. We don’t create intentions in order to then evaluate how much we are “failing” at them. In fact, you cannot fail at an intention. That’s what makes it something you are intending! Take my intention of being present in conversations with others. As soon as I start getting frustrated with myself that my mind has started wandering when talking to my friend, I simultaneously recognize that I am aware of my mind wandering – and that awareness is a major part of being present and continuing to stay connected. If you find yourself judging your ability to live your intention, just notice that thought and come back to the intention.

3 – Understand that change requires some very specific conditions.

If you’re setting an intention with the hope of changing your life in some substantial way, remember that a few things are required. Beyond cultivating a desire in yourself, you’ll need to bring along the right support and a sack full of patience. Find others that can support you in your intention – and let go of those who cannot.

4 – Start living your intention.

A living intention is one that is vital, full of energy, and marked by action. Once you’ve settled on the intention you’d like to set for yourself, you can determine what commitments you can make in service of that intention. This is where you can decide concrete steps you’ll take to feel your intention’s heart beating. If you’re intention is to understand yourself better, now decide how you’ll do this – starting therapy, keeping a journal, exploring your creative side through a vision board. And then you can nail it down even more. Think, “What’s one single thing I can do today to move me in the direction of my intention?”

As you’re delving deeper into your journey of intention, be sure to check in with not only your mind, but your body as well. Your body will signal to you how your intention feels. Does it feel tight or heavy? Or does it feel peaceful and open? Notice any sensations that emerge and be gentle with yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, let it float away.

Cheers to a year full of good intentions! What are you intending this year?

[For more fantastic inspiration,  check out Margarita’s thoughts at Weightless on setting authentic intentions!]

Johanna S. Kandel’s eating disorder story has all the makings of typical memoir or made-for-TV movie. The young, smart daughter of high achieving parents becomes a ballerina and faces the unbearable pressure to be perfect in a world where beauty is currency. She learns that misusing food, alternating between starving and binging, gives her a false sense of control; meanwhile her life is becoming increasingly isolated and chaotic.

But here’s where the story shifts: Kandel doesn’t just find recovery, she becomes founder of a major non-profit and tireless advocate for those struggling with eating disorders. As she briefly outlines in her recent book, Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder (Harlequin, 2010), recovery for Johanna was learning that being a perfect weight wouldn’t make her a perfect person – and that she didn’t even want to be perfect.

Using this and the many other lessons she has learned through her own recovery and that of those she counsels, Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder: Reclaim Yourself, Regain Your Health, Recover for Good is Kandel’s guidebook for anyone struggling with misusing food in dangerous and damaging ways.

Rather than share the gritty details of her the havoc she wrecked on her body, Kandel chose to focus her book on the process of recovery. While there may be a time and place for shock factor used in so many eating disorder books, many in recovery, particularly in the early stages, are not able to use such details for inspiration, but instead fall into a dangerous pattern of comparison. Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder is a book for individuals at any stage of recovery. Kandel recognizes that not everyone reading is ready to jump into a life without the security of a disorder – and she approaches them with a gentle but powerful message of just how wonderful life beyond the disorder can be.

Immensely readable and down to earth, the book offers specific strategies, motivational metaphors, and inspiring profiles of individuals in recovery. With chapters like “Beware of Fake Security Blankets” and “Bridezilla Meets Brideorexia and Other Triggering Occasions,” Kandel gets to the heart of what individuals struggle with and gives them tried-and-true means of staying on top.

In one chapter, Johanna encourages readers to “name your voice,” meaning giving a name to the healthy part of you — the part that sneaks in, even ever so briefly, and tells you that you are good enough. She suggests giving that voice a name and a separate identity so that it can speak to you even when you feel unable to access it. Kandel says, “Walking the road to recovery becomes a lot easier when you have that positive voice walking with you, helping you to put one foot in front of the other.”

At the heart of Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder is a sense of empowerment. Kandel puts the power for recovery into the hands of her readers – nudging them toward it in a voice that is authentic and knowing.

What books have helped you on your journey to recovery?

{Image Credit :: Lybrary.com}